Atm

I woke for uni today and soent 15 minytes motivatibg myself to drive to uni and not skip!!! When I got there I foubd out I didnt have any classes so I went home and here I am now.
I spent an hour riding my littke sisters scooter around our backyard while bonnie watched going 'wtf is this retard doing'. But the poor baby is a bit retarded herself. Shes veen really constipated recently and I have half a mind to feed her some coloxyl. shes been squatting in her shit positiin then getting uo and sitting again but nothings coming out :(

I got bitten by some weird insect in the back yard last week and every single day, this pool of blood ubder my skin has been growing. Today though it's stopped exoanding abd has started going tellow. Bilirubin! I dont understand why its been bleeding the whole week tho, im not dying or anything so im assuming its one of those ugly insects. (I cannot justify that conclusion lol). Anf its sooo itchy!! Ive been taking telfast which helps (or so I think) but it keeps wakingme up at night.

Anyways bonnie still hasnt taken a poop and i feel it might be because im watching her. Im going to go shoppibg with mumma instead byeee!

my kitchen, my essay, my baby

hi blog. wassup i just finished watching mkr and ohhhh my. i dont think there was a single dry eye anywhere in the MKR viewship kingdom. best season to date.
now im back to continue writing my essay but i so ceeebs. ive read so many articles, searched far and wide for full length versions, and all to just contribute to one paragraph. its so demotivating cause after you finish writing a paragraph, its onto the next transdermal technique which is like a WHOLE new PATCH and i just feel like im not going into enough depth with everything. it feels like im just saying THIS is what its called, THIS is how it works, and HERE, HAVE AN EXAMPLE. cut, edit, continue. so far ive only written half an intro, my focus technique, and one example. ill be able to finish it and be happy with it in time to hand it in and all but i just feel so cbb atm. youre like therapy blog, i can say things i wouldnt normally say (unless someone wants to hear me talk about my essay). i just really wanted the essay done by this week or monday at latest to hammer out my other two essays too.

i think im starting to tolerate children btw. i look at them and i dont see loud and annoying anymore(mostly). i like looking at their eyes and touching their soft hair (in a non creepy manner). maybe its from all those hours spent telling every single customer 'that is the most beautiful child I have ever seen!' i still dont want one to have but mawybe if i loved someone enough and they persuaded me i might. id buy it a library of picture books to read which will expand as they grow older. i want to make it wear overalls!!! not the daggy wheat-in-mouth kind, but nice ones :) and tiny tiny shoes. if it were a girl id buy it pink gumboots and a pink umbrella. or a clear umbrella with pink polka dots. oh god what am i doing.

back to essay!! my goal is to reach 1300 by tonight!

my post wont publish so ill just add
i watched hannibal!! i was saving the show as a treat for finishing my essay but i just really so badly wanted to check it out. its good!!! i probably wouldnt like it so much if it werent for the book (cause the characters that stay throughout the show are from the books).
i dont know how i feel about will graham as the main character though. i like what will and hannibal have but will's just so unstable i cant really connect with the main character at all. so far its just fascinating to see the bizarre cases, but itd be nice to be emotionally invested in the show too. and its kind of deflating knowing the ultimate ending for will graham and the TRUE dynamic between hannibal and him. but i doubt the show is going down that pathway otherwise no show lol. but im really excite dto continue watching. its only been 3 episodes so far but im keen to see it all unfold.
episode 2 is about pharmacy!! it opened my eyes to the amount of trust patients give you when they give you a script. theyre entrusting you their weakness basically. (and youre supposed to help them lol) in this ep, the pharmacist was able to find out which patients were on diabetes medication so when they came with the insulin script, he swapped it for this other drug that would induce acidosis and put them in a coma. then, becusae he had their address, he just drove to their house and simply took them away.
one thing i noticed though was this scene where hannibal was cutitng up some lungs to eat. in first year pharmacy, we got to look at some lungs too and they look so different to the one in the show. maybe because the cadaver ones arent fresh. but seriously, in the show they made it look so meaty. i thought they were more flat and squishy? its mainly air in there isnt it? and squissshy. squishy squishy lungs. oh thats terrible.
but point is i like the show. you should watch it. its liek criminal minds, but add in personal drama too. it is not as sinister or scary as i hoped it would be. im a massive scaredy cat so the fact i can watch it all without batting an eyelid means bring in more gore and psychological disturbances!!
if only pharmacy offered electives, i want to be able to look at the way someone talks, behaves, murders, draws pictures and be like aHA! my sister is learning it atm! she's been looking at pictures children draw of certain things (like naked people) and shes practising how to interpret how the child's mind is developing. tres cool.

hannibal le cannibal

a downside of being 20 is that when i walk into a bookstore or a library, i feel out of place in the YA section.  im not a teen anymore! scott westerfeld and the likes aren't writing with ME in mind anymore. a lot of the books on my shelf are like a memory of a younger me. it feels so sad :( i still want to finish the series ive staretd as a teenager.
i was walking through the teenage fiction section of a library the other day and, i recognised or have read all the novels there. its the place i know and love. i dont mind adult fiction, but its weird growing out of a huge section of your life.

but anyways, with the new show Hannibal out, i decided to read the books to familiarise myself with the real hannibal before the show chops him apart for viewer compatibility. There are 4 books:
1. Red Dragon
2. The Silence of Lambs
3. Hannibal
4. Hannibal Rising

I didn't read book 1 becuase i fall asleep in male POVs (their thoughts are like a cycle). I read book 2 and book 3.
Theyre really good btw, i recommend you guys get on it!! Esp book 2. book 3 is a bit of a mouthful with all the characters and grotesque scenes.

I really liked how Harris wrote this Hannibal character. i think the way he was written was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo genius. He is plain evil, diagnosed by peers as 'monster', but he is the most civilised in his conduct. More proper and gentlemanly than the other males in the book. the contrast makes him look like the most attractive character in the novel despite his cannibalism. Hannibal also has this mysteriousness to him while all the other male characters in the novel, Starling is able to zone in on their thoughts straight away. So it looks like theyre all idiotic fools and he is above all that. it also justifies why he eats them. Hannibal's mind almost becomes a sort of refuge from all the pig-like behavior and dishonesty around Starling.

i also like the air of ambiguity Harris maintains throughout the novel, encouraging your mind to come to its worst conclusions. (its not an open ended novel dw). like he would state something. but not expand on it. leaving you to go 'omg did hannibal just...?'

i dont know if i should read book 4. i much prefer dr hannibal lector as an enigma, than a troubled individual with a reason for his evil. like come onnn dont ruin his mojo. it would detract so much from the previous books.

it was a really good read. i wish i had this book for year 12 or something instead of year of wonders lol. theres so much going on in this series but ive no reason to delve into it. id love to write an essay on it. which is probably the best compliment any book could get from a student LOL.

i dont really like the hannibal lector played in the movies. he looks like an old man in need of some dulcolax. i prefer the one in the show. i rememebr him as the evil guy in a james bond movie! the casino one. he's really tall and his face is angular but he also looks a bit different which i find perfect for dr hannibal lector. he's like a sinister kind of handsome, you see him and you run away but you dont forget that face. too dramatic?

the show also has the guy from confessions of a shopaholic!! yay rebecca bloomwood, your beau is now a forensic psychologist working with hannibal who was an evil casino guy james bond fought! i dont know about you guys but i never let go of the previous charaters they played lol. that's why i cant stop hating leonardo dicaprio for bringing down rose. i thought that was arrogant and selfish of him.


*spoiler*
what got me really stuck on book 3 though was the ending. i was confused as to why Harris would romanticise the series and go full twilight mode ahead. But then i came to the conclusion that it is indeed a horror ending. Starling was such a strong spirit and a true fighter, so for her to finally succumb to Hannibal's mind games is like evil conquering all. That amidst all the corruption, even the most pure mind can crumble.

highs and lows

helllo

i just finished studying for cardiovascular and am getting started on renal. tonight will probably be an allnighter becuase i want to get some proper sleep tomorrow so i dont fall asleep during the mid sem like last time.

some recent issues in my friends' lives recently have made me realise a few things about myself. i basically have zero tolerance for misery. especially misery where i have no ability to aid. i hate hearing 'im depressed' and would rather hear 'im feeling sad.' i would rahter not talk to you at all than hear 'im feeling sad.' i would rather distract you from your misery then let you talk about it to your heart's content. id rather you cry on someone else's shoulder than mine. moods rub off on me so easy so when someone comes to me sad it is such a damper on my own day. lol how selfish of me. i last about two days then im out the door.
to be fair though, when i myself am sad, i just become a recluse and lock myself inside myself until im over it. half of me fails to see what is so hard about that. i guess cause i dont really hurt deeply, i just hurt greatly. if that makes sense. a GIAANT surface area, but insignificant depth :). for now. dun dun DUNNN

fark i get so pissed off sometimes though. this moronic wimp just doesnt know when to make his graceful exit out of my life and has resorted to bitching and whining about me to not only my friends but my work colleagues. like how far do you ahve to go? i know a lot more than you think i know i just havent resorted to anything yet cause youre not worth that much effort. plus you look creepy as fuck.
so stop pulling me out like some story of 'bitch who ruined my life' and be mature. i did not ruin your life. you do a fine job of that yourself everyday. i commend you for finding so much to say about nothing though. good job. but im so fed up of having to clean up after your verbal mess. i never have and never will have any affinity towards you.

and while im riding the negativity train here, why would you give and give where there is nothing to take? and im not talking as in rewards or benefits. im talking giving to a void of space. (i guess thats why imaginary friends died out)

these are some songs i have been listening to this week (the only ones):

on a positive note, my car should be ready for pick up by thursday. i still need to learn how to park :( i dont want to be driving with my dealer in the passenger seat only to make a fool of myself. or smash the car :( which is not really a positive note :(
i dont really remember what my car looks like anymore. nor do i care. all i see is the beetle!!

That's the white one i was one word away from getting (the word was yes over the phone) . with its cute little sun roof and LED lights :) one day my darling. its prettier than the old model.

so many wants, so little moneys!

ok back to study. 

Im your number one fan

Errrrrrro. Still alive. Sooo sleepy tjough. Been dead sleepy these oast few days. Like legit sleepy sleepiest ive ever been! Not even the adrenaline pumping during my mid sems and pop quizzes can keep me awake.
My net is beinf a bitch.
My friend is giving me shit for being hurtful and I have to pay for two ohone contracts. WHY WHYYY HUH WHYY both my phoje contracts out together dont even equal $175 so I dont know what kind of ass theyre trying to pull. I think I need to move away from optus.

Ive also been looking far and wide uo and down in and out white and black diagonally and vertically and horizontally and exponentially and desperatelyty for this one book that will fulfil my life and leave me in cloud 9 but alas no, its nowhere. Im starting to think it might not be released yet.

My car wikl be ready for me next weeek!!! So excited!!*#€×*@ just need ti leaen to drive. My friends thsmh and ben tried to twaxh me the other day on his car but I was teerrivle. I went over the curb which apparently is an OMGG BAADDD but srsly how do you gauge when youre in?