Has anyone found living for simply their own needs satisfying? That paints a lonely picture. A lot of our happiness lies not within ourselves, but in others. Unfortunately, and fortunately.
I've hit rock bottom. Thought I did, turns out that rock gives way to a deep ocean floor. I suspect that floor keeps giving way till its hit the Earth's core and then it gets sucked into a black hole where the darkness is neverending. But that vortex lies just within me.
But if our existence could have an effect, that is often enough to pull you through. It's not about trekking to the highest mountain and placing down your flag of ownership. Sometimes, when you are at the bottom, you can nurture your environment to be just as green as the top.. I'm really killing it with the metaphor. Cue the piano.
What I'm trying to say is, you can help yourself through helping others. You can be at a standstill, but at the same time be moving. You are not limited to self-fulfillment. We can find happiness in others when there is none in ourselves. There's a billion ways to do it.
And I don't even mean charity, donations or volunteer work. That's the easy part of it - just sign up and expect good 'karma' your way!
I think every single day, we come across all kinds of situations that we could better. We just either don't open our eyes to it, or don't have the desire to do anything about it. Albeit, a lot of it is that homeless man on the street (yes, I've brought our homeless issue back again haha), the need to hit the gym, group projects...
But to help someone emotionally is a whole different thing. There's being there and being there. I'm not saying you see a girl crying on the street and you go over and cradle her into your bosom. We can help those we want to, but we can also give no pain to others. Way easier said than done. It's a lesson we learn as a child, and quickly forget as we grow old.

I don't have insomnia, but I used to think my inability to sleep at night was hell on earth.  Lying there counting down how many hours I've got left before I needed to wake up, knowing everyone else was sleeping and craving the refreshment that comes with a good night rest. And then I started spending it watching youtube,  which meant not sleeping but dedicating all night watching meaningless videos that I don't even remember anymore. Waste of time.
And then I discovered the world of ebooks (I support the written word all the way!) which stopped the countdown of hours till sunrise.
Recently, it has been a godsend in allowing me to battle my own demons without an audience. It's time to make emotional progress, to be my own company and to depend on no one but myself. It's a time to let the bad thoughts come out, it's a time to cry and despair without the need to act out.
Being alone surrounded by darkness is comforting. No one is awake and no one can see all the turmoil. And I am allowed to think of myself. The world is still for now and demands nothing of me, I can let my mind wander. It physically tires me, but it emotionally heals me.
Most of the thoughts that linger with me are the ones from late nights. And conversations are best enjoyed at 4am. 
It doesn't feel so bad when you stop associating yourself with time. Your time on earth stops mattering too, mere existence is enough. How long you're here does not matter, what's valuable is how much the mind can think, the places your thoughts can go. Do we travel because the Mona Lisa is to dieeee for? Do I read because I'm bored out of my brains (yes) or because I FKEN LOVE EDWARD CULLEN (I kid, those days are long gone).

bag appetite

hi blog.
are you ready for some trivial talk to fill up some of my time?
i used to think the Prada saffiano lux double zip tote (BN1786) was my holy grail. who knew there can be 2, 3 or 20 holy grails? hahaha
i am itching to own something in the color cameo from their range of saffiano. im not really one for seasonal colors, especially because i am constantly broke. so id rather a muted bag of classic style so i can be more versatile with it.
but prada doesnt have any other style i want. i wouldnt mind buying the same bag in the cameo. i went through a phase where i wanted it with the strap, but that was more for functionality. i dont think the bag suits a strap style. its a handheld - it looks it, it feels it. Cameo is just so pretty. and i dont want it as a wallet becuase i would trash it like right away. and theres something just so enjoyable about a big piece of beautiful leather that smells great. so big bag. ONE DAY. maaybe by then prada will have a style i will fall in love with like i did with the double zip. i dont care if its a common style/color or too many fakes blah blah blah, im not buying it to please society, i am buying it because i enjoy it and it makes me happy. to each their own.

i also want the chanel classic flap. in caviar so that it doesnt hurt to trash it. in some variant of a beige/nude color. with silver hardware. Let me explain. the bag itself, im not the greatest fan of it. i mean, i doubt i can fit my daily necessities into that bag. its so small and rectangular, and the jumbo is too big for me to wear. i feel it looks like a giant quilted pillow.  but it is a bag of history. and there is such an enchanting story that comes with it, i have obsessively been reading everything i can about coco chanel. a lot of controversy surrounds her due to her liaison with a nazi, and people consequently labelling her as a sympathizer. and she does sound like a manipulative bitch, put frankly. but it is undeniable the great legacy she built for herself, and the hard work she put into her goals and her visions. I respect it. she seems like such an enigma, she kept a lot of her internal thoughts to herself and put her strongest foot forward. she started with nothing, and ended with an empire, built with her innovative and creative mind. and her empire is still alive today.
and i find it so funny how all the men around her life were enamoured by her and gave her everything they think she wanted. and she let them, for a while. i guess a poor girl needs money if shes gonna randomly open a boutique. but she thrived in her profession and paid that back. she stood for herself, and gave herself to no one. 'There is only one Chanel' as she once said. Well i want that bag. ONE DAY.
Karl lagerfeld revamped the bag by threading leather through the gold chains and adding the CC clasp, but he did do a reissue a while back for an anniversary where he remade them as Chanel had them, with just gold chains and her mademoiselle lock, but i prefer Lagerfeld's version.
i also found it pretty cool how becuase she was never faithful to her lover, she designed a secret compartment in her bag to store her love letters. id defs use it to store my billion love letters from maccas.
actually maybe i will get it in black, cause theres a story behind the color choices chanel made as well. oh but the beige is nice :(  maybe both.
but yeah, chanel went through a lot, and i am amazed with what she has managed to do in one lifetime. there should be a chanel museum, is there? a lot of people say she was selfish or a complete nasty person, but i think theres many angles to look at a person, and you can never capture the whole picture. i see a lot of strength and resilience in her. its also not my place to say, but i reckon some of the issues with abandonment and strict upbringing she had in her younger years influenced the person she became. so i dont hold it against her. a lot of people swear never to touch chanel because she was a nazi lover and was all in all a bad person lol but i would love to carry one of her bags. i also love leather. so who can say no right?

i also wanted the LV speedy. cuase its cute and circular. but that was it. so i dont think i should invest in it LOL.

Take me back

I miss the creative mind of being a child. If you give an adult and a child each a blank canvas, a child could create art or paint a story that exists simply because. We think too much of the how and why. We work with what we know whereas a child can think of the most strange stories that don't make sense.  And that's what I like.

RIP Wayne 'Mousey' Perry

A homeless man was murdered by a snotty teenage boy this week. it is really upsetting. i am kind of really sensitive about it given my strong feelings about homelessness.

days prior to his death, he was quoted in the age: You have to sleep with one eye open because you don't know who's going to bash you or stab you or rob you.

His murderer was high on cannabis. apparently onlookers were taking selfies with the blood splatters from the murder scene. haha im not even surprised.

you know, we look at the homeless with such disdain. that they cant get their life in order, that they let their drug addiction get to them, that they cant 'get over' their mental illness as if they are a whole separate category in the human race. but we are not that different from them. i dont understand how we are so disgusted by the homeless. (im a clean freak btw and i manage fine). people always get really confused and disgusted when homeless actively ask for money. mate, thats survival. i cant deny that it is bothersome and awkward to have a smelly man randomly ask you for money, but empathize. becuase if you fucking want them to all grovel into a hole and hide themselves from society, they will rot and die. and if you think homelessness is punishable by death, youre unintelligent.

i just dont get it at all. there are people with insides ugly as fuck but they have a home and people who will weep for them. i guess they could grow up and lose all that support and end up on the streets themselves. there are people homeless becuase they flee domestic abuse, people in debt, people who lack proper support for their drug addictions, people who lose everything. we think they are monsters, but tbh i dont think theyve got the energy or the time. all theyre doing is surviving. we are the monsters for looking at the scene with such nonchalance and judging. always judging, i guess becuase we can afford to. im not saying its a crime to judge, its in our nature, but sometimes we have to realise that our judgement shouldnt always guide our behavior.
Mousey shared his makeshift home with fellow homeless people and yet we think before we share a single dollar with them. having too much makes us blind to what it would feel like to have nothing. this isnt even giving back to the community, or charity work or anything. its fucking helping another in need. its like seeing someone dying on the street. theyre fucking starving and freezing to death and we go nah, gonna get drunk instead. i dont understand how we, educated and healthy, do not see this as heartless and chillingly disturbing.


There isnt a solution to homelessness and i know that. you cant prevent people from falling off the tracks or losing stability in their life. there are obviously people of power, and people without which is natural. and i do realise that centrelink gives payments as do passerbys on the street. i dont think money is what the homeless need. thats just a short answer. they probably make enough per day to feed their stomach. but we need more services. more homeless shelters, more help for those at risk of homelessness. more 'drug help'. quitting drugs isnt easy. quitting drinking isnt easy. you cant just go cold turkey on it or chuck on a nicorette patch. it could even be quite dangerous.
there are many people who want to quit. and when they take the first step ie. ask to be on the methadone program, they often get turned down because slots are full. its a lifelong process quitting drugs and people need to be on this shit to curb the cravings and physical withdrawl symptoms. a lot of people fail to see it as a health condition, and see it more as a bad decision that they're paying for. and it is. i dont condone drug use, but flushing out users onto the streets isnt the answer.
i had a man tell me how he went from homeless fighting drug addictions to a leader in counsel groups to help people who are going through what he went through. these are the people worth being compassionate for.

and we cant expect them to just go find a job so damn easy without a shower and proper address. who the fucks gonna hire them? objectively speaking, if i could choose between a homeless stinky man whos probably not gonna rock up to work one day and a fresh out of school random chick, id go with the chick.

i want to volunteer to help. but im not sure if i can emotionally handle it. id rather open my homeless shelter first. one day. i hvaent forgotten my promise.

i dont realy know what was the point of thise post or why i keep talking about this shit. massive brain block everytime i do. you know when something seems so OBVIOUS to you but no one else seems to see it? thats what i feel. like, you probably think im some self entitled incoherent bitch but youre wrong, im just upset. and i do know there are like minded people. but when you hear about a teenage rich cunt stabbing a defenseless homeless who turns out to be a gentlehearted soul, it provokes you.

THE CRICKET

Crikey mate! haha not related to cricket but it sounds like cricket.
so my bffl vini took me and steve to the cricket last night. we are not fans of the sport so it was a whole new experience. i didnt really bother with photos because i think we all know what the cricket looks like right? its people on the field looking at a ball. one has a bat in his hand.
so you get in via a golden ticket with a barcode. they do bag checks too. i had some panamax in my bag which really excited the guy.
entering the mcg was like WOAH its so big! and we took seats at the front becuase i am a dingleberry and forgot to bring my glasses. the grass was really green, is it fake?
the players were all training on field still but i couldnt see much haha. they looked like little green munchkins bopping around.
there were scary mascots running around and pretty cheerleaders. like a realll match.
to commence the game, these fireworks came off and becuase i was at the front it scared the s.h.i.t out of me.
there were HEAPS of kids. some of them were really cute haha. i had an internal battle for about a minute about whether or not i could swear because they were EVERYWHERE. i decided to let loose anyway becuase im sure theyre used to it. what is sport without a little FUCK here and there? welcome to the 21st century. actually, tahts a massive improvement from gladiators slaughtering eachother.
it was fun watching the team i was supposed to support bat. esp when they hit a 4 becuase then fire came out everywhere which warmed me up (it was cold).
and hahahah everytime someone went out, theres this guy that comes out with the camera to capture every moment of glorious misery.
during breaktimes or whatever theres dance cam, kiss cam, air guitar cams etc. reminds me of america so bad lol. i wonder if someones been stupid enough to propose on cam here in australia tho lol.
and OMG there were thses high school cunts that throughout the WHOLE game kept nudging me and vini. we ignored it, but it got soo bad when steve went to pee. they called him 'the big guy' hahaha cause theyre all prepubescent fucks. when i turned around and asked them what they wanted, they were being all teasing and shit. like LOOK MOM IM SO COOL MESSING WITH GIRLS. but then they got all defensive and aggressive once they figured i was not amused. like omg did their parents even sign their permission slips for them to come here alone? i wanted to hit them so bad but my hits dont really do much damage so i figured i better not look pathetic. besides, itll dirty my hand.
our team lost (melbourne stars) haha. i didnt really get competitive during the match, i kind of lost interest. cricket is not my thing haha. but it was kind of cool, id probably go again if my friend wanted me to. i only really went because she LIVES for it so i wanted to see what the hype was all about. and so i can understand what she's saying half the time.

and yeah, thats what i got from the cricket. cool atmosphere. maxwell was a shit player so i dont like him. i liked the captain and luke wright. they seemed to hold the team.

the company of strangers

hey, im really drained from work. i can only imagine what internship will be like.
i read something that popped up on my newsfeed just now.
It is about a girl called kim pham who photobombed a group and ended up getting bashed for it. Her parents only recently made the hard decision to turn off her life support. my heart goes out to them. whenever i read these random stories of people passing away due to the forceful actions of others, it gets me fking depressed. to die due to the stupidity and poor education of others.. whats really sad about this particular case, aside from the fact that it was over such a small incident, is that there were lots of bystanders. and all they did was film the whole event. they filmed a girl dying. im not expecting them to go up and fight the gang by their lonesome, but would a call to the cops or ambulance hurt?
so yeah.
this isnt an isolated incident either. a customer got attacked today by a homeless man she donated to, and his cig burnt her cheek. no one helped her, but she got a small audience watching. ready to hashtag.
we are taking life for granted, unless it is our own or the life of someone we know. we are quick to 'RIP' and mourn the dead but slow to help the living. im not saying we should be thankful for life everyday and shit -aint nobody got time for that, but preserve the life of others and ourselves.
im just really sick of people. my dad helped a woman at a road accident and even that backfires and he ends up copping threats from her insurance.
over 200 elderly passed away in victoria with the heatwave recently. that is very very very sad too.

tbh ive been feeling like something is fundamentally fucked up in me for about a month now. some faultline running across my pudgy brain. i srsly thought there was, but i dont think there is. its just a massive mindfuck when ppl keep telling you youve changed as if its a bad thing, talking AT you, criticising you, patronising you. one line that keeps coming back at me is 'you are completely different to who you were this time last year'.
i shouldnt have to defend change, or justify it. people talk at me and preach as if i am wrong for behaving differently to how they would have. so what if i do something wrong, im not perfect. i dont even see that ive done anything wrong. from my perspective, ive done what i wanted to do.
we all have this image of what is ideal in our heads, but there is no 'right' way to live. there is no correct way to behave, a perfect combination of actions to reach a satisfying point in life. we all fumble and experience life differently and i respect that with the people i care about. sure, i may not condone what you do, but that does not mean i am not here to empathise and listen to you.
i dont need a solution when i have a problem, i think i am able to reach a resolution eventually, i just need understanding.
listen nonjudgementally. haha mental first aid 101. maybe ppl should apply that to the mentally healthy too.
like i am so done giving a fuck about myself. just say what i want to say and see how that goes.

URINE

my new years resolution was to drink 1.2L per day and buy mah bag. but the bag can wait, i can stress cc swipe it if by the 31st dec i sitll dont own it. but i will. i. will.
the 1.2L thing is kinda killing it. as if i didnt pee frequently enough already. im peeing all day everyday. haha! if this is what healthy feels like ill take a raincheck.
but peeing isnt so bad. this blog is not meant to be about peeing.
keeping count of how much water actually influences my other decisions. i shy away from coffee/tea because theyre diuretics. i wouldnt know how much water that would technically make me lose so i dont know how much extra to drink to compensate so i just dont drink it in general. hasssshtag ocd. alcohol makes you pee a tonne too, so au revoir. a girl can try.
it actually makes a difference tho. my lips arent so chapped anymore. i can tell becuase when i swipe my lip balm across, the application is smooth. like babies' ass. why is baby ass meant to be smoother than the rest of their body anyway? is it the urea from all the urine they keep cosy between those cheeks? can smooth ass factor be used to indicate infrequent nappy changes and therefore bad parenting? haha my kid would have the smoothest ass in the world. itll overflow to smooth back too. ew.