"no. fuck you
and fuck your bag"

"ive never hated you this much before"

haha im a charmer.


hey blog! sunday night and im just chatting to my friendly friends and listening to trashy music. my legs are sooo sore!
today was actually hectic. i had my relatives from california come visit for a few weeks and today was their return flight. so at 5am, we all scrambled to the airport to farewell them. it was really emotional because it will be years (if ever) before i see these people again. the last time i had seen them was when i was a wee little child so seeing them again and seeing how theyve aged really pulls at your heart strings. their visit here has really bought our extended family together. we live all over victoria so to have everyone reunite is quite fun.
farewelling them was really sad. i was crying so tears were covering my eyeballls so i didnt see anything that was going on. after they went through the gates they stood for a good 10 minutes waving back at us while security laughed their nuts off. hahahaha probaby one of the memories i will never forget. if only i had my glasses. moments like these you kind of just want to take a step back and take a snapshot to store in your heart.
but yeah, once i start crying its really hard to stop so the entire day i just wanted to burst into tears.

after that i had my good friends birthday but i got so upset cuase my friend had made a joke prior about dropping by maccas to pick up the ice cream cake. and becuase im gullible i legit thought we had the cake department covered but no, he was joking. everyone seems to be messing with me lately and its just too much to handle! its constantly putting me on the edge urgh!
having tea with the beloveds has made me realise how much displeasure we have at certain things LOL so i think it was good that we had teh date to pull us up.
and omg i saw so many homeless people :( it was so upsetting. i dont like that they have no home! like wth. you know what its made me realise though, back in the day, there used to be poeple lik emother teresa and stuff who were really well known for helping the less fortunate etc. why dont we have that anymore? or maybe we do but media doesnt give them a glance becuase we care about other things. but there should be some exposure to sober up society. i dunno, like are tehre people that become saints anymore? we havent had a saint in ages right? our last aussie saint is probably mary mackkillop or something. and she had to die for yearsss before they decided she could be one. mannnn.
its like how artists have to die for their pieces to skyrocket in value. which is not that great. but then again a shitty artist could live in ignorance, thinking their art will be very precious when they die when in fact itll just get discarded. i dont think tahts how art works, but roll with it.
speaking of rolls, i need to stop eating so much. im gaining weight at a really alarming rate (4 kilos, 2 weeks) and im blaming my daily peanut butter sandwiches and butter bagels. i dont know how im gonna live without my bagel :( i guess be careful what you wish for. ive spent so long trying to get my scales up now ive overshot and i think its probbaly really hard to lose. maybe if i get the flu or a bad case of gastro i can get rid of it. SOMEONE INFECT ME. but as long as you dont show me a mirror, im cool with it.
im gonna calculate my BMI.so my BMI was 18.8 and it is now 20.9. wow i was borderline underweight. well i think i prefer being underweight LOL. my face looks like a pancake. the banh xeo one.

but yeah thats my life in a nutshell. i dont know how much i want to divulge over this medium. i want to restart a personal diary again. as much as i love you, you seem so impersonal, having the same template for eveyrone and shit. i want to be special and be the only one! i want too many htings now, just makes me sad when i dont get them.

ive also been thinking of sponsoring a child recently. its a dollar a day. which seems to useless. like i dont get it. does the kid get a dollar a day? or does the kid get 40 cents and the rest goes to world vision? i think im gonna do some research to fidn the best way to get money to a kid. i dont even have money to give, but i think im still in a better position then a starving child in africa.
OMG speaking of kids, i keep looking at them. its weird. i wish i was a kid again. i saw a playground today ridden with grotty kids and i was just so envious of their carefree nature. they had nothing to worry about in their life. and they just swing arounda nd eat candy. makes me want to swing around (on a swing) and eat candy. so much ebtter then the shit im doing now (blogging).
pharmacy has also been scaring me. i was reminded that theres only baout 5 weeks left of third year. which really scares me. im only 20 and yet im expected to know all these drugs and therapeutics that directly affect someone's mortality. and pick up on these things. tahts scary. esp when you just wnat to eat candy and be a kid again.

tbh i know whats making me feel so down. but i cant fix it. well i can, but i dont know how to. not when the damage has already been done.
LOL omg that sounded so melodramatic, but its really quite trivial.
anyways im off. i think im gonna settle and read a book or something. then fall asleep cause i havent slept in over 24 hours now which is draining the shizzam out of me.

Placements over!

Hey blog.
Im currently sitting at st patricks cathedral (or so I think its called...[bad catholic practise everyone]) just relaxing a bit. Its been a hectic 2 weeks with my placement , case presentation and upcoming 2 midsems to study for so it feels good to sit down abd just have some time to myself.
The scenery is quite nice, the church looks beautiful and the sound of water lapping from the fountain is quite soothing. Theres a bible quote which im about to poorly misquote [bad catholic practise] 'anyone who drinks the water that I shall give will never be thirsty again" and then theres a sign saying not to drink the water (bad hygiene practice and all). Haha I found that quite funny.

My placement ended about half an hour ago and what an experience its been. I dont think ive ever pushed myself as hard as I have during these 2 weeks. It was a hard two weeks not just because of placement but because it was at the one hospital ive been dreaming to work at. I felt naive for requesting peter mac because id be walking in with 0 experience which would only make me look like a terrible candidate for future.
Everything was certainly new and there were times when I wish it would just be over so id have time to calm down and process everything ive seen.
Now that its over I feel really weird. And emotional. It feels like ive woken up, and I was getting all retarded walking out of peter mac cause who knows if ill ever get the chance again. It feels reallllly really weird walking away from a place youd never think youd have the opportunity to be a part of. Its like if I were to work at the jeffersonian man. Its my jeffersonian. But because its my jeffersonian, I feel like I want to preserve and revel in its feel. I dont like going near my big dreams, cauae then they might shatter.
I feel so thankful for the opportunity to do my placement at peter mac. They told me they can see me as part of their internship which has got to be one of the most touching compliments I have ever received. Just thinking about it has me emotional which is awks cause theres all these tourists around ke taking pics of the water. I dont like tourists taking pictures of church, its a church. Leave it alone!!
But back to my moping soppy corny reflection. Yeah I just feel weird walking out of peter mac. Bittersweet ending to my time there. I really want to work there but I dont feel I should cause I dont think im capable. I know what I can and cant do, and I feel I dont have what it takes to be there. And to apply and get rejected would make me sad in a broken dreams kind of way. Which isnt the best kind of sad to be subject to. Im such a safe player haha.
I already miss all the patients I saw, and I feel so curious about their outcome and how they will be if theyll get discharged, if mr xx with the infection will clear up etc. Oh god these emotions !! Are gonna be the death of me.
Im embarrassing sometimes. And im posting this on my blog too, like a sadistic girl, showcasing my embarrrassing chronicles to anyone who finds this.
But yeah, peter mac. I had a stressful time. But a good kind of stress. Puts pharmacy into perspective. At least for me anyway, since ive been feeling down about it and all.
Its now freezing to death and I cant feel my fingers so im gonna post this then have a walk around (whilst freezing to death) and get bakc to my normal state LOL
Ciao

dear diary

dear diary,
yo. its been a while.
you know what I was thinking about today? (wow did blogger always have autocorrect?)
I thought about a lot of things. working with chemo patients has you thinking about a lot of things.
I was thinking about death. and how it becomes us all. 1 abnormal cell, 1 unlawful car, 1 weapon, 1 person and BAM you could be gone.

anyone could be gone. and that's scary. and to think of all the people in this world that have died and we have not had a chance to know of their existence. that is sad. all the amazing people, that I have not met, and all the amazing people that I will not meet that will die before I get the chance to meet htem. yes that is sad. depressingly so.
I want to meet amazing people. and you know what ive realised. im a corny bastard for saying this but everyone is amazing in a different aspect. you just need to find it in that person. some might not be for you, some aint your kind of crowd, but the ones that are - fucking embrace them. because feeling happy is one of the best emotions in the world. and everyone should feel it before they die. all around you is so much to be amazed about, but we become so absorbed with ourselves that we forget about the mundane pleasantries of life. the fact that we are life. there is life. and its fucking amazing. who needs sleep when you can add an extra 5 hours to your day discovering new corners of the earth. (or the internet) cause any moment now we could be gone. or someone around you could be gone. and when they are gone, you want to have at least one precious memory of them to hold onto. how terrible would it be if someone you knew died, and you fucking hated them and you made it so verbally known.
youd rather look back and have a happy moment with them. and to keep that memory alive. and be so so grateful. because not everyone gets to see the same side of everyone. I talk to a stranger on the street lets say, and I only see their surface. but there are privilidged people out there who get to see them for who they are and see what makes them amazing. whereas I miss out. its like this for everyone you meet. we don't get the chance to speed friend everyone so those you do get to friend, friend well.

and yeah. im just procrastinating. I suck at oral presentations. carry on planet earth. im going to rest now.