I don't have insomnia, but I used to think my inability to sleep at night was hell on earth.  Lying there counting down how many hours I've got left before I needed to wake up, knowing everyone else was sleeping and craving the refreshment that comes with a good night rest. And then I started spending it watching youtube,  which meant not sleeping but dedicating all night watching meaningless videos that I don't even remember anymore. Waste of time.
And then I discovered the world of ebooks (I support the written word all the way!) which stopped the countdown of hours till sunrise.
Recently, it has been a godsend in allowing me to battle my own demons without an audience. It's time to make emotional progress, to be my own company and to depend on no one but myself. It's a time to let the bad thoughts come out, it's a time to cry and despair without the need to act out.
Being alone surrounded by darkness is comforting. No one is awake and no one can see all the turmoil. And I am allowed to think of myself. The world is still for now and demands nothing of me, I can let my mind wander. It physically tires me, but it emotionally heals me.
Most of the thoughts that linger with me are the ones from late nights. And conversations are best enjoyed at 4am. 
It doesn't feel so bad when you stop associating yourself with time. Your time on earth stops mattering too, mere existence is enough. How long you're here does not matter, what's valuable is how much the mind can think, the places your thoughts can go. Do we travel because the Mona Lisa is to dieeee for? Do I read because I'm bored out of my brains (yes) or because I FKEN LOVE EDWARD CULLEN (I kid, those days are long gone).

bag appetite

hi blog.
are you ready for some trivial talk to fill up some of my time?
i used to think the Prada saffiano lux double zip tote (BN1786) was my holy grail. who knew there can be 2, 3 or 20 holy grails? hahaha
i am itching to own something in the color cameo from their range of saffiano. im not really one for seasonal colors, especially because i am constantly broke. so id rather a muted bag of classic style so i can be more versatile with it.
but prada doesnt have any other style i want. i wouldnt mind buying the same bag in the cameo. i went through a phase where i wanted it with the strap, but that was more for functionality. i dont think the bag suits a strap style. its a handheld - it looks it, it feels it. Cameo is just so pretty. and i dont want it as a wallet becuase i would trash it like right away. and theres something just so enjoyable about a big piece of beautiful leather that smells great. so big bag. ONE DAY. maaybe by then prada will have a style i will fall in love with like i did with the double zip. i dont care if its a common style/color or too many fakes blah blah blah, im not buying it to please society, i am buying it because i enjoy it and it makes me happy. to each their own.

i also want the chanel classic flap. in caviar so that it doesnt hurt to trash it. in some variant of a beige/nude color. with silver hardware. Let me explain. the bag itself, im not the greatest fan of it. i mean, i doubt i can fit my daily necessities into that bag. its so small and rectangular, and the jumbo is too big for me to wear. i feel it looks like a giant quilted pillow.  but it is a bag of history. and there is such an enchanting story that comes with it, i have obsessively been reading everything i can about coco chanel. a lot of controversy surrounds her due to her liaison with a nazi, and people consequently labelling her as a sympathizer. and she does sound like a manipulative bitch, put frankly. but it is undeniable the great legacy she built for herself, and the hard work she put into her goals and her visions. I respect it. she seems like such an enigma, she kept a lot of her internal thoughts to herself and put her strongest foot forward. she started with nothing, and ended with an empire, built with her innovative and creative mind. and her empire is still alive today.
and i find it so funny how all the men around her life were enamoured by her and gave her everything they think she wanted. and she let them, for a while. i guess a poor girl needs money if shes gonna randomly open a boutique. but she thrived in her profession and paid that back. she stood for herself, and gave herself to no one. 'There is only one Chanel' as she once said. Well i want that bag. ONE DAY.
Karl lagerfeld revamped the bag by threading leather through the gold chains and adding the CC clasp, but he did do a reissue a while back for an anniversary where he remade them as Chanel had them, with just gold chains and her mademoiselle lock, but i prefer Lagerfeld's version.
i also found it pretty cool how becuase she was never faithful to her lover, she designed a secret compartment in her bag to store her love letters. id defs use it to store my billion love letters from maccas.
actually maybe i will get it in black, cause theres a story behind the color choices chanel made as well. oh but the beige is nice :(  maybe both.
but yeah, chanel went through a lot, and i am amazed with what she has managed to do in one lifetime. there should be a chanel museum, is there? a lot of people say she was selfish or a complete nasty person, but i think theres many angles to look at a person, and you can never capture the whole picture. i see a lot of strength and resilience in her. its also not my place to say, but i reckon some of the issues with abandonment and strict upbringing she had in her younger years influenced the person she became. so i dont hold it against her. a lot of people swear never to touch chanel because she was a nazi lover and was all in all a bad person lol but i would love to carry one of her bags. i also love leather. so who can say no right?

i also wanted the LV speedy. cuase its cute and circular. but that was it. so i dont think i should invest in it LOL.