i hate that peoples defence for rudd throwing a tantrum and regaining prime minister power is that 'its okay, gillard did the exact thing to him'. like mate, i find that such an unintelligent argument. try living with the world blind. i think rudd is a suitable prime minister, but i find gillard up to par too. they both essentially have the same goals; bag the shit out of abbott, improve education and health, talk and talk and talk about boat people. meet the alp. but then you look at tony abott and its just criiiinge LOL. 

i hate it when people let their insecurities get the better of them. i have sooo many insecurities its not even funny. theres so much i hate about myself. but to let it control you is such a killjoy becuase you spend much of your life trying to validate yourself with your peers and spend all this time talking baout yourself in an attempt to create an envy-worthy self. because envious is what you essentially are. i find that so annoying. i dont like it when poeple compare themselves to their friends as a measure of inferiority or superiority. 

and im competitive. so you start doing that and ill defend my own worth. but stop. youre not angelina jolie. save it for the 13 year olds. 

i hate how bad of a friend ive been lately. ive been taking my mouth to town with one of my friends and i aint stopping. clingyness madly annoys me, but i still care. youre probably gonna read this eventually and complain to me so ill just tell you now no im not talking about you, its someone else *cough ahem. 

i was late to both my friends' 21st yesterday and not just that, but my speech was halfassed, uneditted and unemotional on my fucken phone haha. sorry. and i put such a poor effort into maintaining contact with friends. if i were to hold a party, i would probably only have my immediate friends rock up cause the other ones wont remember who the shit i am. 'youre that twilight chick' ive heard that way too many times. i hate that it doesnt really phase me atm.

i hate poor hospital service. i got sent a letter last week saying ive been referred to the epilepsy specialist clinic and to call them to book an appointment. so like..is that what i have? can you clarify? can we do this face to face?  and im pretty sure youre wrong since hte last time we talked you were all 'i have no idea'. 

i hate how nothing makes me happy. im not sad or anything, just not happy. i shouldnt blog while im pmsing lol. 

niagra falls. LOLOLOL. 

study break

yo marda pucker
i thought id drop by in the midst of my stress. ive been thining baout my hair. it fucken kills hwen i have to tie it up for work. its like having a child swinginging on your hair. i kind of like that its just a long rectangle so i can let my hairdresser work on a clean canvas. i feel like a horse. (NEII- nah not going to)
ive still got all my gastro and endo thera notes stuck on my wall. massive 'OH MY GORDS' and 'CARBIMAZOLE' but i think i might just leave it up there to reenforce my learning. ill make it bigger during hols. i say that but i probbaly wont but it makes me feel better cause i ccan stop thinking about gastro cause ive convinced myself that im totally gonna think about it later.
nah but srsly, i want to remember everything. I WANT THIS KNOWLEDGE. just like i want a million bucks.
byee

my nightmare

this morning i woke up from a nightmare. i cant remmember much of it but i remember most of it. if that makes sense. you know how dreams get. you remmeber it but you dont. like when youre super drunk LOL.
anyway, it started like i know what you did last summer. me and a bunch of friends. it was weird becuase in this dream, i was really close with all these people but they wernet my real life friends or anything. i remember one of them was the guy my firned accidently took a picture of and sent me like last year. so yeah, i was randomly in a group and all cosy with these friends that i dont even know in real life, but recall meeting before.
anyway, we were in a supermarket at richmond or some shit. ad tehre was a curfew on in town, becuase of this murderer that was on the loose. he liked to hack people and leave their body parts everywhere. anyway, it was almost curfew time and me and my friends were about to hea don home, but then we found out the shopkeeper of the supermarket we were in was really sick. so we were like omg lets get her some fruits to make her feel better. so we decided to all have an amazing race to get the best gift. we all ended up going tot he same fruit store == LOL. anyway, curfew hit. and the sky suddenly got really dark. i cant remmeber what i felt, i think i felt nothing. but all my friends disappeared. and it was just me in the fruit store so i waslike, YAY GET TO AHVE FIRST CHOICE PICK OF FRUITS!! and the store somehow changed into a chinese palace or some shit and then my friend was randomly waiting in the car to pick me up to take me home. but i reallyt wanted to choose the best fruit so i kept looking while he kept on waiting and waiting and waiting on me. and then he got really bored, so then he went and hacked his best friend (our mutual friend)
 to pieces. by the time i walked out of the store, the dead friend was already strewn across the entire carpack. i put my groceries down and called hte police. then taht friend took me home. for some reason i knew but didnt know what he did. some weird narrator voice just went 'he was so insane he murdered for fun'
then it randomlt cut to uni. we were all at uni and there was this crowd growing in this grassy patch area. so me and the friends were like omg lets check it out. and it was a contest to see who could cut themnselves up the fastest. there were three people, two guys and a girl who were each given two machetes. before the minute was up, they had to cut themselves up the most to win. and everyone was SOOO fascinated and cheering them on and i was so horrified. i could see their meat falling off and everything and i turned around. but my friends were really engrossed watching it with C: faces.
then it cut to my science classrooom in year 10. somehow me and this guy had deep deep feelings for each other. and he was like I WILL PROTECT YOU, BY KILLING THAT CURFEW MURDERER. who at this stage had somehow become really insane and killed more blatantly in front of us. and the guy i loved said he always wanted to be with me no matter what so he hacked off half his face and gave it to me. i doused it with saline solution to keep it alive, and his eyeball was looking aorund and shit. i got really nervous as time passed cuase i didnt know how he was getting with the murderer who was previously out friend.
then during class the murderer walked into class casually WITH THE HEAD OF MY LOVE IN HIS HANDSSS. and i looked down and saw that my saline solution was gone as was half the face i was tending to. I CRIED MY ARSE OFF. then the murderer's friend passed me my ipad, and said what my beloved can see, is shown through this screen. and i looked at the screen and it shows a blurred view of the classroom as the beloved's head was slowly regaining consciousness. then the head looked at me and cried. he cried and cried and i felt such utter despair, despair i have never felt before. then the teacher said to the murderer 'why have you bought a dead seagull into class today?', and he just smirked. then i woke up and went to me exam.

there was more, but i cant quite recall the memory. just flashes of different murder scenes. i remember being so afraid, taht someone so close to me could be a murderer.

what cramming feels like

so you have this big jug, well small jug on my part. thats your brain. at the bottom of this jug are three small holes pierced with a needle - for me, a fucking drill hole. content you learn fills the jug with water but its a race to fill the jug to its brim before all of it flows out. right now, my jug is filled to the brim. my exam is on the 11th. so ill top it up when it reaches halfway i guess. or find some duct tape and tape those holes to keep everything inside. information, you are not allowed to leave me! end procrastination.
i actualyl havent been procrastinating. ive been lectopiaing to consolidate all my knowledge and seal up my holes. i just finoished one essay which im really thankful but its so shitty and i really awnt to finish teh second essay so that i can go back and edit them both properly without the pressure of another 1000 words.
i think ive adapted to this stressful state im constantly in. its entirely my fault for being so slack. so im just gonna accept my fate, do my best, and eat more chocolate. it tastes so bad, but beggars cant be chooosers.

Gatsby book vs movie?

Hi blog, today was productive. i went to the library and studied an entire subject. which probably means it wasnt productive because how the hell is that possible.
i am slowly losing my sanity to my desire to do well in school. which doesnt match with my laziness. i find the perfect combination is lana del rey playing at volume level 3 and a bright light to look at when im thinking. anyway im taking a break to think about other things. like mr gatsby.

im not a fan of classics. the writing and readability is like an acquired taste for the mind. i dont like having to plow through a paragraph just to find that a leaf was just described in great detail. like i think youve overanalysed the leaf there mate. IT JUST WANTED TO BE A LEAF! not a symbol of lost hope or whatever.
anyway, gatsby didnt have a leaf.

i saw the trailer for it a while ago and was like zomg that looks so beautiful so i gave the book a go. the opening paragraph was a mindfuck. i read it thrice then gave up. but after the narrator stopped brooding and started recalling, it got quite good. good lol terrible descriptor but whatever use your imaginations.

everyone goes MOVIE IS NEVER GONAN BE AS GOOD BLAHBLAH but i think theyre quite good companions.
i think it was essential to read the book before watching the movie in this case. the movie was an exquisite cinematic experience, and bought to life gatsby's parties, something the book couldnt do. the book focused a lot on character development, the parties itself was described via partygoer's actions and behaviors. so the movie showed the extravagence of all that was gatsby.
without the book though, it would be harder to connect with the characters. and you miss out on a whole new aspect of it, especially nick's side. the ending too! i dont like how they did the ending of the movie. couldve taken emotional to a whole new level with the book's one. they were the same, but differnet.
and omgoshh it was so sad knowing what was approaching.
lana's song was utilised so well too omg. my ears were orgasming everytime she came on alkgjerklgjale grg argh love.
nad yeah :). id talk about the themes of the book and shit but all that takes is a google and every living being have put in their fair share.
i found i connected with daisy's character. not to her extent of being a massive pussy of a bitch excuse my language but i can understand the messes she gets herself into. shes a bit naive in that she leaps into things  she momentarily feels is right, regardless of peoples emotions. and when she regrets it later, she cant be forward about it. instead she lets it wean out by itself, or she just hides. like a massive pussy of a bitch.

gatsby is unhinged and deluded to me. he was chasing big dreams and he had such a strong desire to achieve his goal that when it was achieved, he was not even capable of feeling it or knowing it. he just kept driving and driving forwards until he himself is a lost cause. i found him to be really clingy and desperate. the movie makes it look endearing which i guess it is, but man sometimes i just want to punch him and see what that does.

they were all kind of crazy people. and i guess i liked that. 8/10

its Lana del Rey appreciation week

hi blog. lifes shit dont ask.
so exam period is coming and ive been procrastinating through music. it keeps me happy when i am sad.
ive been listening to a lot of lana's unreleased songs. like omg release them woman theyre so good. ive spammed her songs with eveyrone so youre probably so sick of me fangirling but here goes

Lana del Rey - Hit and Run
Lana del Rey - Last Girl on Earth
Lana del Rey - Dum Dum
Lana del Rey - Born to Die
Lana del Rey - Summertime Sadness
Lana del Rey - National Anthem
Lana del Rey - Damn You
Lana del Rey - Young and BEAAAUTIFUL
Lana del Rey - Back to Basics
Aluna George - Attracting Flies
Bastille - Pompeii