poorly structured teenage angst and sarcasm

good day to you blog.
thought id drop by a do a little ol' post. when was the last time i wrote about nothing. um probably yesterday. anyways yeah.
i tried getting into sophie kinsella (she usually alwaaays gets me laughing out loud) but the male coutnerpart just always pisses me off now. even at work im bagging the shit out of the male species with the pharamcist. im telling male friends how much they piss me off too. LOL im becoming a man hater. tiring. im gonna stop myself.

and what is with this weird red bar on youtube thats above the youtube page?

i was in the shower today and my thoughts wandered to my weaknesses. i realised my true weakness is desire (not sex). i want too many things. physically, spiritually and mentally. materialistically, we can all name a billion things we want. but i thought of my goal too. about my homeless shelter. and i realised taht its actually kind of selfish of me. i want one to help the homeless. but why do i want to help the homeless? not becuase i love these people. but becuase myself feels something for hte cause. which is selfish. charitable would be building a foundation for something you have no care for but recognise an importance. why not donate that goal to finding a cure for some deadly disease instead?
its like when people say that when you really love something, you can let it go if it wishes. i swear its worded better then that.
but yeah, i want to build a homeless shelter becuase i desire for these people to have a home. not becuase i recognise the importance of survival right? so i want that self satisfaction of achieving something that i want.
a lot of the things we do are because we wish to. but whats wrong with that.
omg i dot know what im trying to say. like your parents for example may say to you IVE PUT SO MUCH TIME LOOKING AFTER YOU, LOOK AT THE EDUCATION IVE FIVEN YOU. BE GRATEFUL but when you really think deep about it (in your shower lol) you realise that you know what, they do that becuase they love you. so their actions are selfish. their love for you makes them desire care and health for you. theyre not doing it for you (well yes they are), but it is driven by their inabilityt to function otherwise. they are growing you becuase they WANT you to be well. not becuase of you. if htat makes sense. theyre subconsciously trying to survive and that means looking after their emotional desires, which is your wellbeing. the goodside is, you benefit from it. thats just an example. no family troubles.

ive been watching a lot of review/whats in my bag videos. simply becuse i love looking at bags and thinking ot myself 'oh that must smell soooo great'. i bet it does. but hours of that led to videos on how to organise your life using a planner. (stupidest videos ever lol) that led to me watching this proffessional video on how to organise your life. because my life is soooo fucking busy (cue the tumbleweed) the man poses me three questions:
1. what type of person are you?
2. if you could do anything professionally what would it be?
3. if you have 20million bucks in your bank but only have 10 years left to live due to terminal illness what would you do with your life?
Followed by list 10 goals (this is to supposedly help you realise actions you dont need in your life to declutter)
note this was all said by a gray haired man sittig in those brown massive leather chairs with a dark backdrop and a mahogony table looking all PhD and shit.
i personally did not care for any of this but i was brushing my teeth at the time so i couldnt get out of the video. i thought id share it anyway.
the video is followed by a helpline to call him (booty call) for those who just cant sort their shit out after answering those crucial, life-defining questions.


but yeah. as you can tell pessimistic uyen has been coming out to play. i blame the meds. im kind of taking whatever cause i know im way below the max number of tablets in one go. the max is like 6
the pharmacist didnt even fucking counsel me on this or give me my required ancillary label 1. asians. never trust cheap asians.
i havent done any of those weird med blog posts in a while. lets fucking do it now. PRODUCTIVITY IN THE MIDST OF DROWSINESS. actually i change my mind. fucking pissed off.
WHICH REMINDS ME, my neurologist asked me to describe my episodes once again to him and cuase i have poor recollection of what happens (im sleeping ffs) i gave like 1 sentence LOL. and he was like oh ok....come back later and we both laughed as if that was actually very funny. but then later at home i went through my blog posts cuase i remember there was a time when they frightneded me. and i found osooo many privated blog posts describing in exact detail what happens. i even drew a timeline and shit LOLOLFLKJRGL past me was good. what happened

this was meant to be fun.
omg shouldi even post this. yes i fucking should. a blog should be honest full of random thoughts from the post title to the floor. happy days, angry days. days. and middays. and nighttimes.
im angry,im upset. my friend gave me upsetting news before which kind of made me really upset. andusually when im upset i release those flood gates (ie. cry) but i didnt. i just weakly sobbed then went back to watching youtube LOL. but now im not watching youtube. IM FUCKING BLOGGING. and i texted my friend BECAUE IM A FRIEND. CAPS LOCKS OF FOR EMPHASIS. ILL END ON THIS NOTE. FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.

gucci gucci gucci prada prada prada

if theres one thing we want more then money, its MATERIAL THINGS...and love, maybe.
and if theres one thing material items demand, its MONEY. what a complicated relationship.

in my head its pretty clear when material wins over money. (especially when reason escapes me)

there are certain things that are ok to splurge on. likeee say, a bag. its an investment. you dont want a wear and tear item. you want a wear and wear and wear and wear and wear and pass-down-to-your-kids-to-wear-and-wear bag. AMIRITE? it is a basic necessity of life!
a coat. everybody needs a coat! come winter you want a coat that can protect you and while youre at it, why not have a coat that does not make you look like a turd? and why not a coat that does not double up as a back scratcher? that will cost money.
jeans. this one is hard. ive tried expensive jeans and cheap jeans. while the cheap jeans look the same after a hundred washes, they feel like youre wearing a potato sack. expensive jeans feel great but their colour changes with every wash. maybe because i dont tell my mum they need special washing. but jeans are such a staple that it doesnt hurt to hurt your wallet over them.
scarves. i would be willing to invest in a nice scarf. because nice scarves look and feel very nice. you can wear a garbage bag (ie. supre) with a nice scarf and feel great. dammit i want a nice scarf now.
bedsheets. always invest in comfy bedsheets. especially if you spend every day in it like i do.

there is a difference between brand and quality though. some things cost because theyve got an expensive monogram plastered all over its backside. some things cost because theyre cashmere.
what a lot of people chase is the brand. you dont see girls going 'yeah this LV bag is sooo durable it just holds my make up bag and wallet so well!' becuase you know, colette bags just cant handle those things.
when you carry your chanel you carry your social class in your arm for other girls to see. good brand means good taste and cash flow. expensive must therefore mean exclusive. Chanel stands for Class, LV stands for Loaded, Prada stands for Pokemon. aaand suddenly im talking about bags. prada stands for glorious LOL.
honestly speaking, im not a massive fan of prada. i know i havent been able to shut my trap about it, but i seriously dont have an unwavering, fierce fire for brands. that is prone to change. probably when i become full time and start making money. i own nothing branded. ive wasted my money time and time again but thats just because im stupid or becuaes i got ripped off. i'm just really in love with one of their designs. its like the perfect bag. bag of my life -#BOML. move over edward.

at the same time, theres splurges that dont make sense to me either.
i dont understand expensive tshirts and cardigans. they do feel amazing, but so does having money in my wallet.
books are another one. (guilty as charged) it is wasteful to throw in 20 for a novel you will read once. especially when there ebooks and illegal pdfs.
expensive teddy bears. wtf do you want me to do with a teddy bear.
expensive flowers. id pay you to not chop it from its garden if its such an exquisite flower hows that?

Too many feelings

Ive been feeling shit yo.
Ever since holidays have started i feel like I have np time for myself. Theres always somethibg to be done or somewhere I need to be and its really taking a toll on my mental health. That and my ability to make all the wrong decisions.
Everything just seems so dumb atm. Peoole just seem so dumb. Not in respective of me ill add. I dont know what it is but its making me feel like an entire day sleeping will prove its worthwhile a lot more than going out. It just feels like theres some barrier between my brain and everyone elses brain. I feel like half my brain is asleep. holy shit im becoming a zombie arent I?
Ive also lost my nirvana in reading. That immersion aint there anymore. I cant enjoy a book, it just makes me want to sleep. Thats pretty sad. I just want to cry. I dont have a new hobby. books and I are taking an indefinite break for now.
I just havent been feeling myself. Ill be ok and then one day, like today, ill wake up and feel like a miserable cunt hole. Every small issue blows up in my mind and angers me to the point of fat angry tears and I feel like im suffering. Not physically, but I just feel like im suffering. Im probably just suffering from lack of exercise come to think of it. I just need to take a steo away from myself. When I get into these moods, work really helps me. It makes me feel helpful, like positivity is soreading ariund me outwards through the actions that I do. And it puts things into perspective and makes me feel pathetic for being such a downer.
I really value people who can make me and people in general laugh. Its the ultimate cure for a bad day so its a blessing to have them as your close friends. They always accidently make my day which is all I can ever ask for. I dont need love or relatiobships I just need happy.
Speaking of which ive recently realised that I dont actually value relationships as much as I thought I did. No. at this stage in my life, all I want is to gain a rewarding career. I want to graduate with respectabke marks and to feel great working. I dont even need success, just need job satisfaction. I really dont feel the need for a guy in my life. They just complicate things and expect too much. Im quite content to be a lone pot plant cause I dont feel lonely at all. nothing will change that. My desires may change in the future (dear god im hoping it will) but right now I want a career that will sustain me and make me happy. Why else go through 17 years of education right? And I want to be able to afford my own prada.
I feel much lighter now. Writing is like therapy. Ciao bloggetti blog.