why arrows is a shit show

yeah thats right. spoilers.
so i had the absolute pleasure of watching arrows cause ive spent so long in captivity (sick). my firend said there was a character in there that reminded him of me so by my own vanity, i watched the first season.
i seriously dont know how much more of this i can take. so many flaws. ill list a few
1. character development sucks shit. We hardly get a chance to love these characters at all. they introduce us to oliver, who i guess gets his own backstory throughout the entire show but eveyrone else..theyre just props. his 'partner' diggel or whatever is hardly a partner. he's treated like a butler LOL. everything is just too plot driven and the characters lack so much depth that you dont care for them.
not to mention the lack of character growth and building. they all stay the same throughout all the episodes and theres no change. it gets to the point hwere you can predict everything becuase their characteristics are so stone set that theres no room for change.

2. the action sequences. like i get that he's super cool with his bow and arrow etc but its the same action EVERY single time. he shoots and the weapon falls from the enemy's hand then he goes YOU AHVE FAILED THE CITY then they get scared 'OH SHIT ITS THE HOODED CUNT' etc etc. ive basially summed up the show for you in one sentence. would it hurt to change it up a bit?
not to mention all the shooting. EVERYONE is so trigger happy. and such bad aim too. i thought cops were trained, i thought assassins were trained, i thought bulky, scary looking, thug gangsters were trained. and come onnnnn, like 60 shots get fired and not one hits target? loll. whats the point in owning a gun? only oliver seems to be able to shoot anyone. so not much suspense or good action during those scenes. just PEW PEW PEW 'AHH THE HOODED CUNT' 'YOU HAVE FAILED THE CITY'

3. eveyrone is so dumb. LOL. they dont have a brain.

4. how annoying is laurel? shes so dramatic. actually all the chicks in the show are dramatic. laurel particularly. just irritates me to no end. someone just kill her off.

5. the plot points dont change. theres no variety. same issues. same type of enemies. same method of resolution. same reactions, same lines, same shit.
im gonna make a comparison with Revenge, since the two shows kind of have the same mojo going on. Revenge started off with structured episodes like Arrows, but then it veered off when things got complicated, different characters got involved, emotions etc.
Arrows sticks to the eliminate everyone in the book goal like sticky rice.

oh man im like so demotivated i cant even talk further about the show. its just shitty LOL. bye


im back to add one further point.

oliver. he is too picture perfect to be likeable. he has his whole chiselled jaw, perfect facial hair, battle scars on a perfect body. he's emotionally damaged but if you pull a 'YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOURSELF UP TO SOMEONE *stomp*' on him, he will tear up and give you a heart wrenching story of his life. what kind of flaw is that? and his strong sense of justice, LIKE NO ONE CAN KILL PEOPLE BUT ME BY ACCIDENT. and NO ONE TOUCHES THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. and 'I NEVER LEFT THAT ISLAND' yeah shut it LOL.
he's too flawless. doesnt work.
his damsel in distress just needs to call him and he will drop everything to be a knight in shining armour. mehhhhhhh

getting coal

ive been trapped at home with bed rest as per incompetent dr. (trust me she was, i dont label people incompetent for nothing). ive been too shitfaced to get outo f bed anyway. 

i got hit with ranodm infections on sunday and toay is sunday which means its been a week z z feels like 10 years. makes me feel so dirty having all these bugs urghhhhh. i miss health. just wanna bitch slap my poor excuse of an immune system. tho i guess all these infections ahve beat me to it. (get it?)

i had kk with the group on thursday. which was good :) but then when i went to start up my car and go meet my incompetent doctor, it wouldnt start. then hell ensued under the scorching over-enthused sun. with my sullen face and sweaty body i missed a tram and awaited another. as if that wasnt enough some indian guy started hitting on me as if i wasnt already greasing him off. (not racist or anything, but why do indian guys always hit on me? its sooo random because indian guys arent my type and i sure as hell dont want to be theirs) 

once i got to the drs, the receptionist asked me which doctor i wanted to see. i was like 'not fussed :)' not knowing i just lay out my own death bed. the receptionist goes 'oh ok! ill let you see dr. irgjljsgr. she'll be very happy to see you, she hasnt seen a patient in ages!! shes just sitting in her room! :)' 

i was all smiles. she was all smiles. 

until i saw the doctor. man i can see why shes not popular. she looked so bored to see me. didnt know what she was talking about either. i cracked a few jokes and tried to get a good dr-pt relationship going on but nah she wasnt having it haha. which got a part of me worried becuase i always like to have my drs emotionally invested in me so that theyll be more inclined to give me the best damn treatment LOL. but whatever! 

she wrote down some meds for me which for my own privacy i wont say. but they contraindiated with each other so i was like 'would it be better to start this after ive finished this course?' and she was like 'OHHH yes thank you for reminding me. you clever girl' 

i wasnt clever, it was common knowledge. so after taht i was like man not coming back, she needs to go back to school. 

so as i was leaving thought id give her a big grin to show my appreciation but nah she wasnt having that either. WHY ARE YOU A DOCTOR IF YOU DONT CARE FOR YOUR PATIENTS?! 

but after that was sorted i trammed back to my car. checked to see if it was working to which it wasnt so i called mum. we then called insurance who took their time. hours later im crying from exhaustion before some fucking allianz guy rocks up. i was relieved to see him until his cheery face started chuckling at my state. 

the insurance company i am with is merc so can i just say I FEEL LIED TO. i dont need some merc guy to rock up but if theyre affiliated with allianz, thats something the buyer should know. dont have an issue with allianz or anything, but still, it was suprising to see. i felt LIED TO. 

turns out my battery was messed up so he changed it over and viola, done. 

then i drove home, cried some more then slept. 

that was by far my worst day this year. good old 2013. squeezing in one extra misfortune. makes me think of mental health class. RESILIENCE YO.  im at the bottom of the ocean but im gonna leap out on a giant lobster or something. 

going to a diff doctor tmr to sort out some new symptoms that have arisen. i must have been a bad girl becuase this is all im getting for christmas :(  

December!!!

Hiiii, we're in december! And look at us still communicating and shit. I am currently struggling to sleep, listening to crappy music and thinking random shit. Some things never change.
today was weirddd, I fell asleep at like 1:30am (would like to credit ethanol), woke up at 3am (goodbye ethanol), fell back asleep at 7am and woke up at 2pm.
My samsung chargers been coughing up a load of shit aka not charging my phone properly. Id have  more luck plugging it into a zesty lemon than anything. Ive got no time to go chase this up with someone (look at the state of my hair!). But I mainly hate having to be proactive in correcting a manufacturer's error. Like why must I inconvenience myself because of your fault (look at the state of my wallet!)? Im just lazy. Which is MY fault. Aw dayummm faults everywhere. Well id rather be lazy than not function properly. Take that charger. Im comparing myself to a charger. My sobriety cannot handle this.

Christmas is here! Pretty sure I drew a lame xmas card here this time last year. This year I wanna do something cool. Like sponsor a kid or some shit (do they take credit card?) Or maybe not buy myself a christmas gift like I do every other year. Baby steps right? Work my way up to plans of not-bipolar granduer(pharm jk). I plan to affect someones life in a positive way. Shouldnt be hard, I do it all the time (jksss).

New years is coming too! Time to make empty promises to myself. 2014 uyen! Youre gonna be a whole new improved person! Not gonna slack at school! Gonna achieve an awesome resolution! Gonna get fit! Gonna stop candy crushing! Gonna stop losing at the stupid game!
Im already pumped.

archive of the dead

imagine if when someone died, a memorial video was made about them where family, friends and videos are compiled to celebrate the life of this person. everyone gets one. and its all stored in a library.
and so anyone can get to know that person after they are long gone.
thats kind of immortality right?

a book is born

so dymocks gave me this little blue book a while ago. its meant to celebrate vintage books, and it says vintage all over the fucking place. and its full of classic quotes at random pages. its basically a book celebrating classical novels. but the book was screaming out to me going NO! I DONT WANT TO BE A BOOK JOURNAL. i have travelled down that road before, with my book reviews and what not. let me tell you what its like: boring. why read a book review, or write a book review, when you can just pick yourself up and read the book. then formulate your own opinion. as opposed to someone else's.
so anyways, this book was teling me NO! I DONT WANT TO BE A BOOK JOURNAL. which is like oh my, what strong character. and i agree with it. how dare this book get labelled as a book journal (- it says 'my book journal' on it). it can be hwatever the fuck it wants to be. and its my book. so it can be whatever the fuck i want it to be. so im gonna make it my book of emotions. i suffer from a lot of emotions. fluctuates like a whole new hormone. so im gonna write down moments where im at the far end of any spectrum.
right now it is empty. it probably wouldnt be, if i had become attached to it sooner, but right now, it is empty.
one day it will be filled up with vivid moments. and i will read back to it. and probably realise how melodramatic life can be. and i will laugh at my bad moments, and laugh at my good moments. fuck the in between moments. they dont get to be in my book of emotions. thats just drabble.
so maybe my 2013 resolution will be fulfilled after all..in the month of october. i was meant to write a novel, but i couldnt be stuffed. maybe if i yolo enough, it will be full by december.
and i will keep this book safe. so it too will become a vintage. and become a long lasting hua heirloom. and my non existent children will read it and think fuck my mother is weird. and i will be like shut up and polish my prada.

in with the gypsiesss

i was watching the news a short moment ago and they were still covering the story of that girl discovered living with gypsies. and i have an opinion. (look at me, all snug with the current affairs and shit)
so the news reader basically said the gypsies have been charged of kidnap, no parent was found and the girl is now in foster care looking for a new home.
maybe they're cutting it down to the bare bone for a short story or maybe im just not researching hard enough, but i find that incredibly mean. theres no word to describe it but mean. MEAN!
theyve basically taken the girl away from what she has known as her family simply becuase theyre not her biological parents. and the gypsies have been branded as liars and kidnappers despite saying the girl was given to them in an informal adoption becuase the real mother was too poor.
the truth is, nobody knows the truth of whats happened. the biological mother has not come forward. and now the girl has no family. and shes going to be forced to adapt to a new family, simply becuase her last one has no paperwork to back up the luurrrrve.
they should ask the girl what she wants. if she loves the gypsies, let her be with them. its not like theyre corrupting her soul for black magic or anything...that i know about. it just seems a bit redundant to take a girl from her nonbiological family to shove her into another one. but yeah.
if i ruled the world, i would say STOP, MY PEOPLE. LET THE CHILD LOVE.

bucket list

yo! its been a while, i havent really bothered writing recently. i dont have a bucket list. i just want one. haha. my list would be bucketloads by the time i die though, because i will discover new things and want a tonne shit of things other than 10 prada bags. i bet with my last dying breath, i would want something. but i wont be able to get it so id rather not walk down that path. ive already told my friend to dye my hair purple if i die young. cuase i want purple hair at some stage in my life but i dont know if ill be able to live with myself if i do.  i will wake up one morning and be like EW! and have a cardiac arrest.

i did a lot of reckless driving today (shh). tahts what got me onto bucket lists. i thgouth shit! if i died right now, i wont have achieved much. there wont be a lot to say in my eulogy. cuase im only halfway through most of the shit in my life. halfway through my education. halfway through growing up. halfway through not being gullible. not even halfway through  my assignment.
i checked my car before and thankfully it is in once piece. there is a small scratch across one side when i hit a pole whilst trying to avoid a car. but it doesnt bother me.
also, dont try to go over a speed bump at 80km/hr. your car wont sound very healthy haha.

im off to do my assignment now. goodnight!

"no. fuck you
and fuck your bag"

"ive never hated you this much before"

haha im a charmer.


hey blog! sunday night and im just chatting to my friendly friends and listening to trashy music. my legs are sooo sore!
today was actually hectic. i had my relatives from california come visit for a few weeks and today was their return flight. so at 5am, we all scrambled to the airport to farewell them. it was really emotional because it will be years (if ever) before i see these people again. the last time i had seen them was when i was a wee little child so seeing them again and seeing how theyve aged really pulls at your heart strings. their visit here has really bought our extended family together. we live all over victoria so to have everyone reunite is quite fun.
farewelling them was really sad. i was crying so tears were covering my eyeballls so i didnt see anything that was going on. after they went through the gates they stood for a good 10 minutes waving back at us while security laughed their nuts off. hahahaha probaby one of the memories i will never forget. if only i had my glasses. moments like these you kind of just want to take a step back and take a snapshot to store in your heart.
but yeah, once i start crying its really hard to stop so the entire day i just wanted to burst into tears.

after that i had my good friends birthday but i got so upset cuase my friend had made a joke prior about dropping by maccas to pick up the ice cream cake. and becuase im gullible i legit thought we had the cake department covered but no, he was joking. everyone seems to be messing with me lately and its just too much to handle! its constantly putting me on the edge urgh!
having tea with the beloveds has made me realise how much displeasure we have at certain things LOL so i think it was good that we had teh date to pull us up.
and omg i saw so many homeless people :( it was so upsetting. i dont like that they have no home! like wth. you know what its made me realise though, back in the day, there used to be poeple lik emother teresa and stuff who were really well known for helping the less fortunate etc. why dont we have that anymore? or maybe we do but media doesnt give them a glance becuase we care about other things. but there should be some exposure to sober up society. i dunno, like are tehre people that become saints anymore? we havent had a saint in ages right? our last aussie saint is probably mary mackkillop or something. and she had to die for yearsss before they decided she could be one. mannnn.
its like how artists have to die for their pieces to skyrocket in value. which is not that great. but then again a shitty artist could live in ignorance, thinking their art will be very precious when they die when in fact itll just get discarded. i dont think tahts how art works, but roll with it.
speaking of rolls, i need to stop eating so much. im gaining weight at a really alarming rate (4 kilos, 2 weeks) and im blaming my daily peanut butter sandwiches and butter bagels. i dont know how im gonna live without my bagel :( i guess be careful what you wish for. ive spent so long trying to get my scales up now ive overshot and i think its probbaly really hard to lose. maybe if i get the flu or a bad case of gastro i can get rid of it. SOMEONE INFECT ME. but as long as you dont show me a mirror, im cool with it.
im gonna calculate my BMI.so my BMI was 18.8 and it is now 20.9. wow i was borderline underweight. well i think i prefer being underweight LOL. my face looks like a pancake. the banh xeo one.

but yeah thats my life in a nutshell. i dont know how much i want to divulge over this medium. i want to restart a personal diary again. as much as i love you, you seem so impersonal, having the same template for eveyrone and shit. i want to be special and be the only one! i want too many htings now, just makes me sad when i dont get them.

ive also been thinking of sponsoring a child recently. its a dollar a day. which seems to useless. like i dont get it. does the kid get a dollar a day? or does the kid get 40 cents and the rest goes to world vision? i think im gonna do some research to fidn the best way to get money to a kid. i dont even have money to give, but i think im still in a better position then a starving child in africa.
OMG speaking of kids, i keep looking at them. its weird. i wish i was a kid again. i saw a playground today ridden with grotty kids and i was just so envious of their carefree nature. they had nothing to worry about in their life. and they just swing arounda nd eat candy. makes me want to swing around (on a swing) and eat candy. so much ebtter then the shit im doing now (blogging).
pharmacy has also been scaring me. i was reminded that theres only baout 5 weeks left of third year. which really scares me. im only 20 and yet im expected to know all these drugs and therapeutics that directly affect someone's mortality. and pick up on these things. tahts scary. esp when you just wnat to eat candy and be a kid again.

tbh i know whats making me feel so down. but i cant fix it. well i can, but i dont know how to. not when the damage has already been done.
LOL omg that sounded so melodramatic, but its really quite trivial.
anyways im off. i think im gonna settle and read a book or something. then fall asleep cause i havent slept in over 24 hours now which is draining the shizzam out of me.

Placements over!

Hey blog.
Im currently sitting at st patricks cathedral (or so I think its called...[bad catholic practise everyone]) just relaxing a bit. Its been a hectic 2 weeks with my placement , case presentation and upcoming 2 midsems to study for so it feels good to sit down abd just have some time to myself.
The scenery is quite nice, the church looks beautiful and the sound of water lapping from the fountain is quite soothing. Theres a bible quote which im about to poorly misquote [bad catholic practise] 'anyone who drinks the water that I shall give will never be thirsty again" and then theres a sign saying not to drink the water (bad hygiene practice and all). Haha I found that quite funny.

My placement ended about half an hour ago and what an experience its been. I dont think ive ever pushed myself as hard as I have during these 2 weeks. It was a hard two weeks not just because of placement but because it was at the one hospital ive been dreaming to work at. I felt naive for requesting peter mac because id be walking in with 0 experience which would only make me look like a terrible candidate for future.
Everything was certainly new and there were times when I wish it would just be over so id have time to calm down and process everything ive seen.
Now that its over I feel really weird. And emotional. It feels like ive woken up, and I was getting all retarded walking out of peter mac cause who knows if ill ever get the chance again. It feels reallllly really weird walking away from a place youd never think youd have the opportunity to be a part of. Its like if I were to work at the jeffersonian man. Its my jeffersonian. But because its my jeffersonian, I feel like I want to preserve and revel in its feel. I dont like going near my big dreams, cauae then they might shatter.
I feel so thankful for the opportunity to do my placement at peter mac. They told me they can see me as part of their internship which has got to be one of the most touching compliments I have ever received. Just thinking about it has me emotional which is awks cause theres all these tourists around ke taking pics of the water. I dont like tourists taking pictures of church, its a church. Leave it alone!!
But back to my moping soppy corny reflection. Yeah I just feel weird walking out of peter mac. Bittersweet ending to my time there. I really want to work there but I dont feel I should cause I dont think im capable. I know what I can and cant do, and I feel I dont have what it takes to be there. And to apply and get rejected would make me sad in a broken dreams kind of way. Which isnt the best kind of sad to be subject to. Im such a safe player haha.
I already miss all the patients I saw, and I feel so curious about their outcome and how they will be if theyll get discharged, if mr xx with the infection will clear up etc. Oh god these emotions !! Are gonna be the death of me.
Im embarrassing sometimes. And im posting this on my blog too, like a sadistic girl, showcasing my embarrrassing chronicles to anyone who finds this.
But yeah, peter mac. I had a stressful time. But a good kind of stress. Puts pharmacy into perspective. At least for me anyway, since ive been feeling down about it and all.
Its now freezing to death and I cant feel my fingers so im gonna post this then have a walk around (whilst freezing to death) and get bakc to my normal state LOL
Ciao

dear diary

dear diary,
yo. its been a while.
you know what I was thinking about today? (wow did blogger always have autocorrect?)
I thought about a lot of things. working with chemo patients has you thinking about a lot of things.
I was thinking about death. and how it becomes us all. 1 abnormal cell, 1 unlawful car, 1 weapon, 1 person and BAM you could be gone.

anyone could be gone. and that's scary. and to think of all the people in this world that have died and we have not had a chance to know of their existence. that is sad. all the amazing people, that I have not met, and all the amazing people that I will not meet that will die before I get the chance to meet htem. yes that is sad. depressingly so.
I want to meet amazing people. and you know what ive realised. im a corny bastard for saying this but everyone is amazing in a different aspect. you just need to find it in that person. some might not be for you, some aint your kind of crowd, but the ones that are - fucking embrace them. because feeling happy is one of the best emotions in the world. and everyone should feel it before they die. all around you is so much to be amazed about, but we become so absorbed with ourselves that we forget about the mundane pleasantries of life. the fact that we are life. there is life. and its fucking amazing. who needs sleep when you can add an extra 5 hours to your day discovering new corners of the earth. (or the internet) cause any moment now we could be gone. or someone around you could be gone. and when they are gone, you want to have at least one precious memory of them to hold onto. how terrible would it be if someone you knew died, and you fucking hated them and you made it so verbally known.
youd rather look back and have a happy moment with them. and to keep that memory alive. and be so so grateful. because not everyone gets to see the same side of everyone. I talk to a stranger on the street lets say, and I only see their surface. but there are privilidged people out there who get to see them for who they are and see what makes them amazing. whereas I miss out. its like this for everyone you meet. we don't get the chance to speed friend everyone so those you do get to friend, friend well.

and yeah. im just procrastinating. I suck at oral presentations. carry on planet earth. im going to rest now.

placement has seriously been stressing me out. I think I just have to accept what I don't know and consolidate what I do know so that I don't end up confused and disoriented like an old lady on anticholinergics. (knowledge consolidation in action)
im here because I need a bit of a break. ive been pouring over the AMH and TG like my life depended on it. and you know how you start off good, feeling productive and shit, and then like 10 drugs in youre like oh shit what do I even remember? yeah. and why has blogger stopped autocorrecting me. god I just feel like shit.

Review: Prada Saffiano Lux Tote

Hello. I had the pleasure of purchasing the Prada Saffiano Lux Tote in the larger medium without the strap about 2 weeks ago. I'm not really going to bother with images since its quite a well known bag and I've got poor lighting. Maybe I'll come back. Actually here it is:

Artificial lighting

Sun light

I initially bought it in red simply because I didn't want to spend grands on a mundane bag. It has a very simple, structured cut so I thought it'd be nice to get it in a different colour then to make it a bit more special. The red is beauuuutiful. I was in love with it (still am), but I quickly found it wasn't suited for my lifestyle.

Prada allows a 10 day exchange/store credit thankfully so I was able to exchange my bag in the nick of time for the classical black one. I'll start off by saying there is a difference. I'm not sure if this was always the case or if the black Prada just recently had a change to its interior. The inside is the fabric Prada lining and the pockets of the red one was made of the fabric too. The black one is actually made from the Saffiano leather which is much better, obviously. So I'm very glad I made the swap. I've seen in youtube videos though that the coloured bags do get the saffiano leather pockets too, but they were with the smaller size.
The dust bag is also different, but I think it was more Prada changed their dust bags recently so I got a more newly manufactured bag. The red one had a white wooly dust bag, but the black one comes with a navy blue silk one which I prefer.
Each product you buy from Prada also comes with an authentication card which comes in the cuuuutest envelope.
After a week or two with this tote, I was greatly displeased with the functionality of one of the zips. It was slightly dipped, which I know isn't a problem, but if I'm gonna splurge on a bag, it better be perfect. This third bag doesn't have this problem. But it was a sample bag, not saying it was of worse quality or anything, but obviously it has been laid out and used in the store. The leather feels softer than my brand new one (meaning older) and the four studs down the bottom are all scratched :(. But it was either that or a dipped zip, so I decided to go for the one that looked more aesthetically perfect. Prada could do with some more quality control. If there's something you take away from this post, its that. Prada could do with some more quality control. Ffs, hire me, I've done a few lessons on what standards are. I PAID FULL PRICE FOR AN IMPERFECT BAG. Argh that really gets me! But its not gonna stop me.

Functionality

It looks quite structured and feels quite hard which I love. And its beautiful from every angle. It has a trapezoid shape when you snap the two sides together but I wear it open to fit all my junk. I first got this with the intention of having it as my going out bag, but I'm not one to practise patience so I just wear it to uni. I'll wear it till I get a new uni bag. It's not a small bag, but it certainly isn't a big bag so I wasn't sure she'd be able to hold all my crap, but alas I was wrong. I can fit my lab coat, 5 subject notebook, 6 pens in a pocket, small bag, scarf and massive wallet in there. With space to spare. So it is definitely very usable as an everyday bag. She does get quite heavy with all that though. I went shopping for hours carrying that on my arm and by the end of it, I was just shoving it on my shoulder. This messes up the shape of the bag and the 'straightness' of the zip but when you let it sit, it reshapes itself so yay. Tick!

I've also cruelly subjected it to the rain. I was half terrified but half curious as to what it could handle. After being rained down on, the droplets just slide down the bag and the exterior remains the same. So tick!

Boos

Now the downside. Unfortunately there are downsides (plural). I have a few complaints about the quality of Prada which I should have picked up on earlier.
1. The handles. My handles! If you look at the leather, it has a nice sheen to it from the coating. One of my handles lacks this so it looks a bit duller and you can see the cuts they put on the leather. It looks so mechanical. This bothers me. This was the case with both the black totes I picked up.
2. The gold hardware attaching the handle to bag. One of the ringlets has weird shit on it. I've tried taking it off but I can't so I might have to pay them a visit. I can't tell if its from poor quality product or if something's just gotten stuck to it. This does not bother me.
3. Can I also add, that having been through 3 bags, they were all different? One of them had smooth zips, some of them didn't. Some had shiny handles and some didn't. There was no consistency. Its a hit and miss buying from Prada. I can only hope their smaller leather goods don't have such an issue holding up itself.

My red bag also had some some quality issues too. There was a patch of discoloration on the bag which is picked up when light hits it. Like the actual area is a pinkish white. No one is gonna buy that particular bag.
I did some research online and apparently there have been numerous complaints from their customers for different reasons.

But overall I love it. It is definitely worth its money. Make sure you stick to your one SA, because the other ones don't care for you, I guess maybe because they're not getting paid to mop up someone else's customer. Or maybe its just rude service.

Yays

I hate to leave on a bad note. The bag is beautiful. It smells like a gorgeous cow. There were concerns online about how there's no basing for the bag so things can clump and pull the bottom of the bag downwards. I have not had that issue thus far. Saffiano leather is just so tough that it maintains its shape quite well.

longgggg post in regards to nothing

heyyyyyy
im listening to lalala by big bang atm. feeling the old school days agaaaain. and now im listening to number 1. i used to love number 1. now it feels different.
back in high shcool it was all ooooo sounds so cool omg. now its just like ohhh yeah.. okay.
things used to be so chill. now we're adults with more knowledge of how this device called life works. so we can recognise unhappiness and what itll take to undo that. we need more. we are too busy with people we have no time to be busy with ourselves. yes im aware that i dont make sense.

i just went to my very first blog here and turned on the music i said i was listening to in that post. omg the nostalgia. (walk away- varsity) or maybe cause im listening to a sad song. omg someone just hire me for a kdrama already.

i remember being a kid and pulling an allnighter because i had a glow in the dark lantern and i wanted to make sure it didnt go out in the night.

i remember eating soap bubbles to protect them from draining down the sink.
i remember breaking my chin. (i actually visisted that place a few years back and still saw that blood stain there)

i remember poisonberries, dancing grass, D+. you know what, you couldnt even tell PMS apart when youw ere in high school. cause regardless your emotions were always fluctuating all over the place cause we were all over the place lol. fun times.

the first time the group had a 'boy problem'. i remember all those friendship dramas omg. i rememebr crying my arse off becuase one of my close friends thought i didnt like her. and the class prayed for us during homeroom LMAO. and the teacher telling us to write letters to explain our emotions. and alienating people. having group 2minute noodle days. and other unhealthy traditions

grafittiing our school diaries and trying to hide it from the teacher.

our main issue was SACS, homework, teachers, what formal dress to wear, planning birthdays 'how much you pitching in?', can uyen stfu about twilight, and just being very hyper with each other.

it kind of feels like all that isnt real anymore. its just classified as 'immaturity'.

now its so grown up. its about internship, jobs, alcohol, money, which friends to keep and which to not bother with. there aint no boy problems anymore theres man problems. no girl dramas, but quarter life crisesess. everything amplified. and its not ok to be a child.

and none of those 'come to my birthday lunch!' texts! but 'clubbing tonight?' - which im obviously not

ok songs over. im actually sooo bored. i cant be bothered cathcing up on my shows. but i really ship donna and harvey so i think ill just open up torrents and get the downloads going.
my laptop is also slowly deteriorating. so sad!! i constantly have it plugged onto the battery charger like an IV drip now. i have no idea hwre hte actual battery is cuase i took it out to look at it and yeah. me and technology? nono.
my samsung note has also been acting up. the note had already been performing poorly in terms of battery life so to see that battery be such a hindrance in terms of recharge time is an extra pain in the a.

and i litereally have nothing to wear so ive been shopping which isnt something someone with no money should do. i also havent been able to get my hair cut, unless the hairdresser wants to do it prohairbono.
i have to buy some 'work smart' shit for placement coming soon too. im actually quite excited. i really want to get a taste of hospital and get into the essence of patient care. at the same time im very scared. i dont have a lot of faith in my abilities so i fear my knowledge will displease them.
everytime i have placement, i never let my preceptor know whats on witht he placemnt booklet even if there are some parts that require their interaction. cause pharmacy is quite busy and like, i dont wish to inconvenience them. i know theyre probably cool with it, but maybe cuase i wouldnt like doing that stuff when i graduate so i natrually think pharmacists out there may have that mindset too.
why am i constantly talking about pharmacy. even when we're all out its pharmacy pharmacy pharmcy ohhhh caverject LOL.
i feel like painting.
my love for brands has worn off. lol. i went through a I WANT THE LV I WANT THE PRADA. but nah. after i touched the prada wallet i kind of deflated back to my normal self. i dunno. it was amazing and everything. but not amazing enough. i wasnt wowed like i was with my tote. i just need the tiff and co coin purse and im done. seriously done. being in debt does that to you. now i just want a pretty scarf. and maybe more gloves. i bought gloves today. they look so cute i want more. im so bored waiting for my downloads to downlaod :( not an episode done yet. maybe ill write a prada tote bag review. i loved reading them before i bought the bag. now that ive experienced it, meh lol. THE ISSUE OF MATERIAL RIGHT THERE.

poorly structured teenage angst and sarcasm

good day to you blog.
thought id drop by a do a little ol' post. when was the last time i wrote about nothing. um probably yesterday. anyways yeah.
i tried getting into sophie kinsella (she usually alwaaays gets me laughing out loud) but the male coutnerpart just always pisses me off now. even at work im bagging the shit out of the male species with the pharamcist. im telling male friends how much they piss me off too. LOL im becoming a man hater. tiring. im gonna stop myself.

and what is with this weird red bar on youtube thats above the youtube page?

i was in the shower today and my thoughts wandered to my weaknesses. i realised my true weakness is desire (not sex). i want too many things. physically, spiritually and mentally. materialistically, we can all name a billion things we want. but i thought of my goal too. about my homeless shelter. and i realised taht its actually kind of selfish of me. i want one to help the homeless. but why do i want to help the homeless? not becuase i love these people. but becuase myself feels something for hte cause. which is selfish. charitable would be building a foundation for something you have no care for but recognise an importance. why not donate that goal to finding a cure for some deadly disease instead?
its like when people say that when you really love something, you can let it go if it wishes. i swear its worded better then that.
but yeah, i want to build a homeless shelter becuase i desire for these people to have a home. not becuase i recognise the importance of survival right? so i want that self satisfaction of achieving something that i want.
a lot of the things we do are because we wish to. but whats wrong with that.
omg i dot know what im trying to say. like your parents for example may say to you IVE PUT SO MUCH TIME LOOKING AFTER YOU, LOOK AT THE EDUCATION IVE FIVEN YOU. BE GRATEFUL but when you really think deep about it (in your shower lol) you realise that you know what, they do that becuase they love you. so their actions are selfish. their love for you makes them desire care and health for you. theyre not doing it for you (well yes they are), but it is driven by their inabilityt to function otherwise. they are growing you becuase they WANT you to be well. not becuase of you. if htat makes sense. theyre subconsciously trying to survive and that means looking after their emotional desires, which is your wellbeing. the goodside is, you benefit from it. thats just an example. no family troubles.

ive been watching a lot of review/whats in my bag videos. simply becuse i love looking at bags and thinking ot myself 'oh that must smell soooo great'. i bet it does. but hours of that led to videos on how to organise your life using a planner. (stupidest videos ever lol) that led to me watching this proffessional video on how to organise your life. because my life is soooo fucking busy (cue the tumbleweed) the man poses me three questions:
1. what type of person are you?
2. if you could do anything professionally what would it be?
3. if you have 20million bucks in your bank but only have 10 years left to live due to terminal illness what would you do with your life?
Followed by list 10 goals (this is to supposedly help you realise actions you dont need in your life to declutter)
note this was all said by a gray haired man sittig in those brown massive leather chairs with a dark backdrop and a mahogony table looking all PhD and shit.
i personally did not care for any of this but i was brushing my teeth at the time so i couldnt get out of the video. i thought id share it anyway.
the video is followed by a helpline to call him (booty call) for those who just cant sort their shit out after answering those crucial, life-defining questions.


but yeah. as you can tell pessimistic uyen has been coming out to play. i blame the meds. im kind of taking whatever cause i know im way below the max number of tablets in one go. the max is like 6
the pharmacist didnt even fucking counsel me on this or give me my required ancillary label 1. asians. never trust cheap asians.
i havent done any of those weird med blog posts in a while. lets fucking do it now. PRODUCTIVITY IN THE MIDST OF DROWSINESS. actually i change my mind. fucking pissed off.
WHICH REMINDS ME, my neurologist asked me to describe my episodes once again to him and cuase i have poor recollection of what happens (im sleeping ffs) i gave like 1 sentence LOL. and he was like oh ok....come back later and we both laughed as if that was actually very funny. but then later at home i went through my blog posts cuase i remember there was a time when they frightneded me. and i found osooo many privated blog posts describing in exact detail what happens. i even drew a timeline and shit LOLOLFLKJRGL past me was good. what happened

this was meant to be fun.
omg shouldi even post this. yes i fucking should. a blog should be honest full of random thoughts from the post title to the floor. happy days, angry days. days. and middays. and nighttimes.
im angry,im upset. my friend gave me upsetting news before which kind of made me really upset. andusually when im upset i release those flood gates (ie. cry) but i didnt. i just weakly sobbed then went back to watching youtube LOL. but now im not watching youtube. IM FUCKING BLOGGING. and i texted my friend BECAUE IM A FRIEND. CAPS LOCKS OF FOR EMPHASIS. ILL END ON THIS NOTE. FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.

gucci gucci gucci prada prada prada

if theres one thing we want more then money, its MATERIAL THINGS...and love, maybe.
and if theres one thing material items demand, its MONEY. what a complicated relationship.

in my head its pretty clear when material wins over money. (especially when reason escapes me)

there are certain things that are ok to splurge on. likeee say, a bag. its an investment. you dont want a wear and tear item. you want a wear and wear and wear and wear and wear and pass-down-to-your-kids-to-wear-and-wear bag. AMIRITE? it is a basic necessity of life!
a coat. everybody needs a coat! come winter you want a coat that can protect you and while youre at it, why not have a coat that does not make you look like a turd? and why not a coat that does not double up as a back scratcher? that will cost money.
jeans. this one is hard. ive tried expensive jeans and cheap jeans. while the cheap jeans look the same after a hundred washes, they feel like youre wearing a potato sack. expensive jeans feel great but their colour changes with every wash. maybe because i dont tell my mum they need special washing. but jeans are such a staple that it doesnt hurt to hurt your wallet over them.
scarves. i would be willing to invest in a nice scarf. because nice scarves look and feel very nice. you can wear a garbage bag (ie. supre) with a nice scarf and feel great. dammit i want a nice scarf now.
bedsheets. always invest in comfy bedsheets. especially if you spend every day in it like i do.

there is a difference between brand and quality though. some things cost because theyve got an expensive monogram plastered all over its backside. some things cost because theyre cashmere.
what a lot of people chase is the brand. you dont see girls going 'yeah this LV bag is sooo durable it just holds my make up bag and wallet so well!' becuase you know, colette bags just cant handle those things.
when you carry your chanel you carry your social class in your arm for other girls to see. good brand means good taste and cash flow. expensive must therefore mean exclusive. Chanel stands for Class, LV stands for Loaded, Prada stands for Pokemon. aaand suddenly im talking about bags. prada stands for glorious LOL.
honestly speaking, im not a massive fan of prada. i know i havent been able to shut my trap about it, but i seriously dont have an unwavering, fierce fire for brands. that is prone to change. probably when i become full time and start making money. i own nothing branded. ive wasted my money time and time again but thats just because im stupid or becuaes i got ripped off. i'm just really in love with one of their designs. its like the perfect bag. bag of my life -#BOML. move over edward.

at the same time, theres splurges that dont make sense to me either.
i dont understand expensive tshirts and cardigans. they do feel amazing, but so does having money in my wallet.
books are another one. (guilty as charged) it is wasteful to throw in 20 for a novel you will read once. especially when there ebooks and illegal pdfs.
expensive teddy bears. wtf do you want me to do with a teddy bear.
expensive flowers. id pay you to not chop it from its garden if its such an exquisite flower hows that?

Too many feelings

Ive been feeling shit yo.
Ever since holidays have started i feel like I have np time for myself. Theres always somethibg to be done or somewhere I need to be and its really taking a toll on my mental health. That and my ability to make all the wrong decisions.
Everything just seems so dumb atm. Peoole just seem so dumb. Not in respective of me ill add. I dont know what it is but its making me feel like an entire day sleeping will prove its worthwhile a lot more than going out. It just feels like theres some barrier between my brain and everyone elses brain. I feel like half my brain is asleep. holy shit im becoming a zombie arent I?
Ive also lost my nirvana in reading. That immersion aint there anymore. I cant enjoy a book, it just makes me want to sleep. Thats pretty sad. I just want to cry. I dont have a new hobby. books and I are taking an indefinite break for now.
I just havent been feeling myself. Ill be ok and then one day, like today, ill wake up and feel like a miserable cunt hole. Every small issue blows up in my mind and angers me to the point of fat angry tears and I feel like im suffering. Not physically, but I just feel like im suffering. Im probably just suffering from lack of exercise come to think of it. I just need to take a steo away from myself. When I get into these moods, work really helps me. It makes me feel helpful, like positivity is soreading ariund me outwards through the actions that I do. And it puts things into perspective and makes me feel pathetic for being such a downer.
I really value people who can make me and people in general laugh. Its the ultimate cure for a bad day so its a blessing to have them as your close friends. They always accidently make my day which is all I can ever ask for. I dont need love or relatiobships I just need happy.
Speaking of which ive recently realised that I dont actually value relationships as much as I thought I did. No. at this stage in my life, all I want is to gain a rewarding career. I want to graduate with respectabke marks and to feel great working. I dont even need success, just need job satisfaction. I really dont feel the need for a guy in my life. They just complicate things and expect too much. Im quite content to be a lone pot plant cause I dont feel lonely at all. nothing will change that. My desires may change in the future (dear god im hoping it will) but right now I want a career that will sustain me and make me happy. Why else go through 17 years of education right? And I want to be able to afford my own prada.
I feel much lighter now. Writing is like therapy. Ciao bloggetti blog.

i hate that peoples defence for rudd throwing a tantrum and regaining prime minister power is that 'its okay, gillard did the exact thing to him'. like mate, i find that such an unintelligent argument. try living with the world blind. i think rudd is a suitable prime minister, but i find gillard up to par too. they both essentially have the same goals; bag the shit out of abbott, improve education and health, talk and talk and talk about boat people. meet the alp. but then you look at tony abott and its just criiiinge LOL. 

i hate it when people let their insecurities get the better of them. i have sooo many insecurities its not even funny. theres so much i hate about myself. but to let it control you is such a killjoy becuase you spend much of your life trying to validate yourself with your peers and spend all this time talking baout yourself in an attempt to create an envy-worthy self. because envious is what you essentially are. i find that so annoying. i dont like it when poeple compare themselves to their friends as a measure of inferiority or superiority. 

and im competitive. so you start doing that and ill defend my own worth. but stop. youre not angelina jolie. save it for the 13 year olds. 

i hate how bad of a friend ive been lately. ive been taking my mouth to town with one of my friends and i aint stopping. clingyness madly annoys me, but i still care. youre probably gonna read this eventually and complain to me so ill just tell you now no im not talking about you, its someone else *cough ahem. 

i was late to both my friends' 21st yesterday and not just that, but my speech was halfassed, uneditted and unemotional on my fucken phone haha. sorry. and i put such a poor effort into maintaining contact with friends. if i were to hold a party, i would probably only have my immediate friends rock up cause the other ones wont remember who the shit i am. 'youre that twilight chick' ive heard that way too many times. i hate that it doesnt really phase me atm.

i hate poor hospital service. i got sent a letter last week saying ive been referred to the epilepsy specialist clinic and to call them to book an appointment. so like..is that what i have? can you clarify? can we do this face to face?  and im pretty sure youre wrong since hte last time we talked you were all 'i have no idea'. 

i hate how nothing makes me happy. im not sad or anything, just not happy. i shouldnt blog while im pmsing lol. 

niagra falls. LOLOLOL. 

study break

yo marda pucker
i thought id drop by in the midst of my stress. ive been thining baout my hair. it fucken kills hwen i have to tie it up for work. its like having a child swinginging on your hair. i kind of like that its just a long rectangle so i can let my hairdresser work on a clean canvas. i feel like a horse. (NEII- nah not going to)
ive still got all my gastro and endo thera notes stuck on my wall. massive 'OH MY GORDS' and 'CARBIMAZOLE' but i think i might just leave it up there to reenforce my learning. ill make it bigger during hols. i say that but i probbaly wont but it makes me feel better cause i ccan stop thinking about gastro cause ive convinced myself that im totally gonna think about it later.
nah but srsly, i want to remember everything. I WANT THIS KNOWLEDGE. just like i want a million bucks.
byee

my nightmare

this morning i woke up from a nightmare. i cant remmember much of it but i remember most of it. if that makes sense. you know how dreams get. you remmeber it but you dont. like when youre super drunk LOL.
anyway, it started like i know what you did last summer. me and a bunch of friends. it was weird becuase in this dream, i was really close with all these people but they wernet my real life friends or anything. i remember one of them was the guy my firned accidently took a picture of and sent me like last year. so yeah, i was randomly in a group and all cosy with these friends that i dont even know in real life, but recall meeting before.
anyway, we were in a supermarket at richmond or some shit. ad tehre was a curfew on in town, becuase of this murderer that was on the loose. he liked to hack people and leave their body parts everywhere. anyway, it was almost curfew time and me and my friends were about to hea don home, but then we found out the shopkeeper of the supermarket we were in was really sick. so we were like omg lets get her some fruits to make her feel better. so we decided to all have an amazing race to get the best gift. we all ended up going tot he same fruit store == LOL. anyway, curfew hit. and the sky suddenly got really dark. i cant remmeber what i felt, i think i felt nothing. but all my friends disappeared. and it was just me in the fruit store so i waslike, YAY GET TO AHVE FIRST CHOICE PICK OF FRUITS!! and the store somehow changed into a chinese palace or some shit and then my friend was randomly waiting in the car to pick me up to take me home. but i reallyt wanted to choose the best fruit so i kept looking while he kept on waiting and waiting and waiting on me. and then he got really bored, so then he went and hacked his best friend (our mutual friend)
 to pieces. by the time i walked out of the store, the dead friend was already strewn across the entire carpack. i put my groceries down and called hte police. then taht friend took me home. for some reason i knew but didnt know what he did. some weird narrator voice just went 'he was so insane he murdered for fun'
then it randomlt cut to uni. we were all at uni and there was this crowd growing in this grassy patch area. so me and the friends were like omg lets check it out. and it was a contest to see who could cut themnselves up the fastest. there were three people, two guys and a girl who were each given two machetes. before the minute was up, they had to cut themselves up the most to win. and everyone was SOOO fascinated and cheering them on and i was so horrified. i could see their meat falling off and everything and i turned around. but my friends were really engrossed watching it with C: faces.
then it cut to my science classrooom in year 10. somehow me and this guy had deep deep feelings for each other. and he was like I WILL PROTECT YOU, BY KILLING THAT CURFEW MURDERER. who at this stage had somehow become really insane and killed more blatantly in front of us. and the guy i loved said he always wanted to be with me no matter what so he hacked off half his face and gave it to me. i doused it with saline solution to keep it alive, and his eyeball was looking aorund and shit. i got really nervous as time passed cuase i didnt know how he was getting with the murderer who was previously out friend.
then during class the murderer walked into class casually WITH THE HEAD OF MY LOVE IN HIS HANDSSS. and i looked down and saw that my saline solution was gone as was half the face i was tending to. I CRIED MY ARSE OFF. then the murderer's friend passed me my ipad, and said what my beloved can see, is shown through this screen. and i looked at the screen and it shows a blurred view of the classroom as the beloved's head was slowly regaining consciousness. then the head looked at me and cried. he cried and cried and i felt such utter despair, despair i have never felt before. then the teacher said to the murderer 'why have you bought a dead seagull into class today?', and he just smirked. then i woke up and went to me exam.

there was more, but i cant quite recall the memory. just flashes of different murder scenes. i remember being so afraid, taht someone so close to me could be a murderer.

what cramming feels like

so you have this big jug, well small jug on my part. thats your brain. at the bottom of this jug are three small holes pierced with a needle - for me, a fucking drill hole. content you learn fills the jug with water but its a race to fill the jug to its brim before all of it flows out. right now, my jug is filled to the brim. my exam is on the 11th. so ill top it up when it reaches halfway i guess. or find some duct tape and tape those holes to keep everything inside. information, you are not allowed to leave me! end procrastination.
i actualyl havent been procrastinating. ive been lectopiaing to consolidate all my knowledge and seal up my holes. i just finoished one essay which im really thankful but its so shitty and i really awnt to finish teh second essay so that i can go back and edit them both properly without the pressure of another 1000 words.
i think ive adapted to this stressful state im constantly in. its entirely my fault for being so slack. so im just gonna accept my fate, do my best, and eat more chocolate. it tastes so bad, but beggars cant be chooosers.

Gatsby book vs movie?

Hi blog, today was productive. i went to the library and studied an entire subject. which probably means it wasnt productive because how the hell is that possible.
i am slowly losing my sanity to my desire to do well in school. which doesnt match with my laziness. i find the perfect combination is lana del rey playing at volume level 3 and a bright light to look at when im thinking. anyway im taking a break to think about other things. like mr gatsby.

im not a fan of classics. the writing and readability is like an acquired taste for the mind. i dont like having to plow through a paragraph just to find that a leaf was just described in great detail. like i think youve overanalysed the leaf there mate. IT JUST WANTED TO BE A LEAF! not a symbol of lost hope or whatever.
anyway, gatsby didnt have a leaf.

i saw the trailer for it a while ago and was like zomg that looks so beautiful so i gave the book a go. the opening paragraph was a mindfuck. i read it thrice then gave up. but after the narrator stopped brooding and started recalling, it got quite good. good lol terrible descriptor but whatever use your imaginations.

everyone goes MOVIE IS NEVER GONAN BE AS GOOD BLAHBLAH but i think theyre quite good companions.
i think it was essential to read the book before watching the movie in this case. the movie was an exquisite cinematic experience, and bought to life gatsby's parties, something the book couldnt do. the book focused a lot on character development, the parties itself was described via partygoer's actions and behaviors. so the movie showed the extravagence of all that was gatsby.
without the book though, it would be harder to connect with the characters. and you miss out on a whole new aspect of it, especially nick's side. the ending too! i dont like how they did the ending of the movie. couldve taken emotional to a whole new level with the book's one. they were the same, but differnet.
and omgoshh it was so sad knowing what was approaching.
lana's song was utilised so well too omg. my ears were orgasming everytime she came on alkgjerklgjale grg argh love.
nad yeah :). id talk about the themes of the book and shit but all that takes is a google and every living being have put in their fair share.
i found i connected with daisy's character. not to her extent of being a massive pussy of a bitch excuse my language but i can understand the messes she gets herself into. shes a bit naive in that she leaps into things  she momentarily feels is right, regardless of peoples emotions. and when she regrets it later, she cant be forward about it. instead she lets it wean out by itself, or she just hides. like a massive pussy of a bitch.

gatsby is unhinged and deluded to me. he was chasing big dreams and he had such a strong desire to achieve his goal that when it was achieved, he was not even capable of feeling it or knowing it. he just kept driving and driving forwards until he himself is a lost cause. i found him to be really clingy and desperate. the movie makes it look endearing which i guess it is, but man sometimes i just want to punch him and see what that does.

they were all kind of crazy people. and i guess i liked that. 8/10

its Lana del Rey appreciation week

hi blog. lifes shit dont ask.
so exam period is coming and ive been procrastinating through music. it keeps me happy when i am sad.
ive been listening to a lot of lana's unreleased songs. like omg release them woman theyre so good. ive spammed her songs with eveyrone so youre probably so sick of me fangirling but here goes

Lana del Rey - Hit and Run
Lana del Rey - Last Girl on Earth
Lana del Rey - Dum Dum
Lana del Rey - Born to Die
Lana del Rey - Summertime Sadness
Lana del Rey - National Anthem
Lana del Rey - Damn You
Lana del Rey - Young and BEAAAUTIFUL
Lana del Rey - Back to Basics
Aluna George - Attracting Flies
Bastille - Pompeii

waaa waaa

so hi. howve you been?
life has been hectic but i still feel like ive achieved nothing.
my cousin gave birth to triplets today and the doctor actually took photos of them taking the baby out of her cousins split open stomach. it was really strange to look at. naturally. but amazing too. to see three little lives be welcomed to the big wide world.
two of them were regular in size and the third one was smaller. so my cousin cradled that one in her arms and thats when it opened its eyes and looked up at its mumma. how cute. it was the first of the triplets to open its eyes and see its mummy. but yay, congrats to her. she'd been takinog really good care of her babies during her pregnancy and the doctors said it was amazing she could nourish three babies to such sizeable ones LOL. she gave birth 1.5 months prematurely too and thankfully they wont have to encapsulate them into little bubbles. so proud of my cousin!
but it has further firmed my desire to keep my eggs lonely and incomplete. which is pretty much a dealbreaker across all chromosome XY but see if i care. lol its so weird how we have eggs inside us. chickens, fish and i have at least one thing in common. eggs lol. and maybe our mental capacity.

anyways, i came here to say hi. now that i have done so, until next time.

Hi blogger. How have you been? Ive been pretty shit. All around me are broken hearts, I open a book and its a broken heart too.

My heart is broken too. Tmr is the memorial service for a student of rmit pharmaccy. I dont know if I should write this on a public blog. I did not know him personally. But it hurts. You flick through all the faces youve seen, trying to pick him out. I did not know him and i wont ever get to. I did not know him but we had a common goal in this education. We shared the same group of pharmacy, and it feels close to home. You think about everyone in your life right now and I have no idea how id survive if someone close to me passed away. Death is terrible, it is f*cking cruel. It is unrelenting and we all have to face it one day. We're going to be reduced to ashes, and I want before I go to have experienced wonder and to have left something positive behind.
Take care everyone look after yourselves :)

unfit for society

you know how in korea people are obsessed with identifying each other according to blood group? well wtf why? its not like your blood cells are ramming rays of stubbornness into you. its not like theyre forcing you to be cheap. they dont make you more prone to being a kind hearted soul.
im a strong strong hella strong believer in you are who you are because of you. keyword: you. You are your own creation. yes parents, friends, the environment can influence you, manipulate you or change you, but you are still the holder of your own decisions. your body and your mind is your instrument and every thought and action that leaves it comes from you. jupiter covering mars when you were born does not make you a destined hero, your palm line being 5cms short does not mean you die at 20. your father beating you does not justify you beating your own child, your friends doing drugs does not make it fit that you do drugs.
lezzz be honest. jupiter does not give two fucks when you're born during its orbit, a palm line does not map out your entire life before youve made your decisions and youre not a robot for the people in your life. if you are, its because you let it.
i guess it just comes down to the fact that im not a believer in fate or destiny. i think thats a bit cocky of humans to think anything gives a shit about us but us lol. we so desperately seek to answer all the mysteries of the universe including 'who are we'? we are simply a small segment of space. stars are chemicals floating in space. we decide to look at it and go 'oh look. if we join the dots theres a lion holy shit this defines me' i myself love reading horoscopes (aries!) and labelling myself as fkjrklgf becuase aries are said  fkjrklgf. but at the end of the day who we are cannot be tailored down to anything. truths change, people change, we change. if someone is careful with their money, that doesnt necessarily mean they are CHEAP. maybe they have yet to see something they wish to splurge on. my life line tells me im ambitious, my head line tells me im not ==. i can be ambitious with some things, and utterly a disgrace at others. at the end of the day how can you label yourself as anything definitely. just sit back, do what you want to do, say what you must and be what you want to be. just dont judge me cause im born in march lol. and im not going to hell if mars is orbiting over heaven.

Which blood type do you think i am? i can relate to both types, but im also the polar opposite of both types. get your act together erythrocytes.
From wiki:
Type A
ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status conscious, can be sensitive, care for other people, are truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, proactive, and obsessed with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.

Type B
a contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personality by definition generally live at a lower stress level and typically work steadily, enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they are not achieved. When faced with competition, they do not mind losing and either enjoy the game or back down. They may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts. They are often reflective, thinking about the outer and inner worlds.

Atm

I woke for uni today and soent 15 minytes motivatibg myself to drive to uni and not skip!!! When I got there I foubd out I didnt have any classes so I went home and here I am now.
I spent an hour riding my littke sisters scooter around our backyard while bonnie watched going 'wtf is this retard doing'. But the poor baby is a bit retarded herself. Shes veen really constipated recently and I have half a mind to feed her some coloxyl. shes been squatting in her shit positiin then getting uo and sitting again but nothings coming out :(

I got bitten by some weird insect in the back yard last week and every single day, this pool of blood ubder my skin has been growing. Today though it's stopped exoanding abd has started going tellow. Bilirubin! I dont understand why its been bleeding the whole week tho, im not dying or anything so im assuming its one of those ugly insects. (I cannot justify that conclusion lol). Anf its sooo itchy!! Ive been taking telfast which helps (or so I think) but it keeps wakingme up at night.

Anyways bonnie still hasnt taken a poop and i feel it might be because im watching her. Im going to go shoppibg with mumma instead byeee!

my kitchen, my essay, my baby

hi blog. wassup i just finished watching mkr and ohhhh my. i dont think there was a single dry eye anywhere in the MKR viewship kingdom. best season to date.
now im back to continue writing my essay but i so ceeebs. ive read so many articles, searched far and wide for full length versions, and all to just contribute to one paragraph. its so demotivating cause after you finish writing a paragraph, its onto the next transdermal technique which is like a WHOLE new PATCH and i just feel like im not going into enough depth with everything. it feels like im just saying THIS is what its called, THIS is how it works, and HERE, HAVE AN EXAMPLE. cut, edit, continue. so far ive only written half an intro, my focus technique, and one example. ill be able to finish it and be happy with it in time to hand it in and all but i just feel so cbb atm. youre like therapy blog, i can say things i wouldnt normally say (unless someone wants to hear me talk about my essay). i just really wanted the essay done by this week or monday at latest to hammer out my other two essays too.

i think im starting to tolerate children btw. i look at them and i dont see loud and annoying anymore(mostly). i like looking at their eyes and touching their soft hair (in a non creepy manner). maybe its from all those hours spent telling every single customer 'that is the most beautiful child I have ever seen!' i still dont want one to have but mawybe if i loved someone enough and they persuaded me i might. id buy it a library of picture books to read which will expand as they grow older. i want to make it wear overalls!!! not the daggy wheat-in-mouth kind, but nice ones :) and tiny tiny shoes. if it were a girl id buy it pink gumboots and a pink umbrella. or a clear umbrella with pink polka dots. oh god what am i doing.

back to essay!! my goal is to reach 1300 by tonight!

my post wont publish so ill just add
i watched hannibal!! i was saving the show as a treat for finishing my essay but i just really so badly wanted to check it out. its good!!! i probably wouldnt like it so much if it werent for the book (cause the characters that stay throughout the show are from the books).
i dont know how i feel about will graham as the main character though. i like what will and hannibal have but will's just so unstable i cant really connect with the main character at all. so far its just fascinating to see the bizarre cases, but itd be nice to be emotionally invested in the show too. and its kind of deflating knowing the ultimate ending for will graham and the TRUE dynamic between hannibal and him. but i doubt the show is going down that pathway otherwise no show lol. but im really excite dto continue watching. its only been 3 episodes so far but im keen to see it all unfold.
episode 2 is about pharmacy!! it opened my eyes to the amount of trust patients give you when they give you a script. theyre entrusting you their weakness basically. (and youre supposed to help them lol) in this ep, the pharmacist was able to find out which patients were on diabetes medication so when they came with the insulin script, he swapped it for this other drug that would induce acidosis and put them in a coma. then, becusae he had their address, he just drove to their house and simply took them away.
one thing i noticed though was this scene where hannibal was cutitng up some lungs to eat. in first year pharmacy, we got to look at some lungs too and they look so different to the one in the show. maybe because the cadaver ones arent fresh. but seriously, in the show they made it look so meaty. i thought they were more flat and squishy? its mainly air in there isnt it? and squissshy. squishy squishy lungs. oh thats terrible.
but point is i like the show. you should watch it. its liek criminal minds, but add in personal drama too. it is not as sinister or scary as i hoped it would be. im a massive scaredy cat so the fact i can watch it all without batting an eyelid means bring in more gore and psychological disturbances!!
if only pharmacy offered electives, i want to be able to look at the way someone talks, behaves, murders, draws pictures and be like aHA! my sister is learning it atm! she's been looking at pictures children draw of certain things (like naked people) and shes practising how to interpret how the child's mind is developing. tres cool.

hannibal le cannibal

a downside of being 20 is that when i walk into a bookstore or a library, i feel out of place in the YA section.  im not a teen anymore! scott westerfeld and the likes aren't writing with ME in mind anymore. a lot of the books on my shelf are like a memory of a younger me. it feels so sad :( i still want to finish the series ive staretd as a teenager.
i was walking through the teenage fiction section of a library the other day and, i recognised or have read all the novels there. its the place i know and love. i dont mind adult fiction, but its weird growing out of a huge section of your life.

but anyways, with the new show Hannibal out, i decided to read the books to familiarise myself with the real hannibal before the show chops him apart for viewer compatibility. There are 4 books:
1. Red Dragon
2. The Silence of Lambs
3. Hannibal
4. Hannibal Rising

I didn't read book 1 becuase i fall asleep in male POVs (their thoughts are like a cycle). I read book 2 and book 3.
Theyre really good btw, i recommend you guys get on it!! Esp book 2. book 3 is a bit of a mouthful with all the characters and grotesque scenes.

I really liked how Harris wrote this Hannibal character. i think the way he was written was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo genius. He is plain evil, diagnosed by peers as 'monster', but he is the most civilised in his conduct. More proper and gentlemanly than the other males in the book. the contrast makes him look like the most attractive character in the novel despite his cannibalism. Hannibal also has this mysteriousness to him while all the other male characters in the novel, Starling is able to zone in on their thoughts straight away. So it looks like theyre all idiotic fools and he is above all that. it also justifies why he eats them. Hannibal's mind almost becomes a sort of refuge from all the pig-like behavior and dishonesty around Starling.

i also like the air of ambiguity Harris maintains throughout the novel, encouraging your mind to come to its worst conclusions. (its not an open ended novel dw). like he would state something. but not expand on it. leaving you to go 'omg did hannibal just...?'

i dont know if i should read book 4. i much prefer dr hannibal lector as an enigma, than a troubled individual with a reason for his evil. like come onnn dont ruin his mojo. it would detract so much from the previous books.

it was a really good read. i wish i had this book for year 12 or something instead of year of wonders lol. theres so much going on in this series but ive no reason to delve into it. id love to write an essay on it. which is probably the best compliment any book could get from a student LOL.

i dont really like the hannibal lector played in the movies. he looks like an old man in need of some dulcolax. i prefer the one in the show. i rememebr him as the evil guy in a james bond movie! the casino one. he's really tall and his face is angular but he also looks a bit different which i find perfect for dr hannibal lector. he's like a sinister kind of handsome, you see him and you run away but you dont forget that face. too dramatic?

the show also has the guy from confessions of a shopaholic!! yay rebecca bloomwood, your beau is now a forensic psychologist working with hannibal who was an evil casino guy james bond fought! i dont know about you guys but i never let go of the previous charaters they played lol. that's why i cant stop hating leonardo dicaprio for bringing down rose. i thought that was arrogant and selfish of him.


*spoiler*
what got me really stuck on book 3 though was the ending. i was confused as to why Harris would romanticise the series and go full twilight mode ahead. But then i came to the conclusion that it is indeed a horror ending. Starling was such a strong spirit and a true fighter, so for her to finally succumb to Hannibal's mind games is like evil conquering all. That amidst all the corruption, even the most pure mind can crumble.

highs and lows

helllo

i just finished studying for cardiovascular and am getting started on renal. tonight will probably be an allnighter becuase i want to get some proper sleep tomorrow so i dont fall asleep during the mid sem like last time.

some recent issues in my friends' lives recently have made me realise a few things about myself. i basically have zero tolerance for misery. especially misery where i have no ability to aid. i hate hearing 'im depressed' and would rather hear 'im feeling sad.' i would rahter not talk to you at all than hear 'im feeling sad.' i would rather distract you from your misery then let you talk about it to your heart's content. id rather you cry on someone else's shoulder than mine. moods rub off on me so easy so when someone comes to me sad it is such a damper on my own day. lol how selfish of me. i last about two days then im out the door.
to be fair though, when i myself am sad, i just become a recluse and lock myself inside myself until im over it. half of me fails to see what is so hard about that. i guess cause i dont really hurt deeply, i just hurt greatly. if that makes sense. a GIAANT surface area, but insignificant depth :). for now. dun dun DUNNN

fark i get so pissed off sometimes though. this moronic wimp just doesnt know when to make his graceful exit out of my life and has resorted to bitching and whining about me to not only my friends but my work colleagues. like how far do you ahve to go? i know a lot more than you think i know i just havent resorted to anything yet cause youre not worth that much effort. plus you look creepy as fuck.
so stop pulling me out like some story of 'bitch who ruined my life' and be mature. i did not ruin your life. you do a fine job of that yourself everyday. i commend you for finding so much to say about nothing though. good job. but im so fed up of having to clean up after your verbal mess. i never have and never will have any affinity towards you.

and while im riding the negativity train here, why would you give and give where there is nothing to take? and im not talking as in rewards or benefits. im talking giving to a void of space. (i guess thats why imaginary friends died out)

these are some songs i have been listening to this week (the only ones):

on a positive note, my car should be ready for pick up by thursday. i still need to learn how to park :( i dont want to be driving with my dealer in the passenger seat only to make a fool of myself. or smash the car :( which is not really a positive note :(
i dont really remember what my car looks like anymore. nor do i care. all i see is the beetle!!

That's the white one i was one word away from getting (the word was yes over the phone) . with its cute little sun roof and LED lights :) one day my darling. its prettier than the old model.

so many wants, so little moneys!

ok back to study. 

Im your number one fan

Errrrrrro. Still alive. Sooo sleepy tjough. Been dead sleepy these oast few days. Like legit sleepy sleepiest ive ever been! Not even the adrenaline pumping during my mid sems and pop quizzes can keep me awake.
My net is beinf a bitch.
My friend is giving me shit for being hurtful and I have to pay for two ohone contracts. WHY WHYYY HUH WHYY both my phoje contracts out together dont even equal $175 so I dont know what kind of ass theyre trying to pull. I think I need to move away from optus.

Ive also been looking far and wide uo and down in and out white and black diagonally and vertically and horizontally and exponentially and desperatelyty for this one book that will fulfil my life and leave me in cloud 9 but alas no, its nowhere. Im starting to think it might not be released yet.

My car wikl be ready for me next weeek!!! So excited!!*#€×*@ just need ti leaen to drive. My friends thsmh and ben tried to twaxh me the other day on his car but I was teerrivle. I went over the curb which apparently is an OMGG BAADDD but srsly how do you gauge when youre in?

Turbulance!

I just jolted awake from a creepy dream I cant even tell if I was asleep and my eyeballs hurt lol.

Today or yesterday rather I jokingly told someone to make sure my hair was dyed purple if I died before I could get it done myself.
In my weird dream slash vision I was dead and I guess I had an omnipresent ciew of my funerak. We were in a church and I was in a coffin kind of dead with purple hair. I wqs really haopy to see that and my burst of emotion put me back inside my own body which had somehow fastforwarded to the lowering of the coffin into my cubicle lol. The lid was closed and I was sad csuse I couldnt move my hands to hold up my purple hair to my face to see it. I thought a seizure was coming but alas no. I couldnt move my limbs at all cause I was dead but my brain was still alive and it was begging not to get buried otherwise ill suffocate and dieeeee so I tried rocking my body from side to side to rock the coffin anf signal my existence lol it was so weird I felt like I was in a straight jacket or something. And then it cut to me outside my body...and I could see the coffin slightly shakibg but the silly priest just said "buckle up everyonem it appears we have turbulance." And then I woke up.

Sorry for the lack of commas ceeeebs going back to sleep kan. Wil read this in the morning. Thought id type it up while I still rememebedd it so well. Gooodnight

bitching about myself

'Hurt comes quickly. And is irreparable.' I wrote that in my Taco 03/01/2012 and thinking back to that time, I cant remember being hurt at all so obviously it goes as quickly as if comes and is verrry repairable. I spent today reading my past diaries, as I sometimes do, because listening to my drabble requires a few sittings.
im very suprised by how much i appreciate reading about the dreams i manage to jot down. i can kind of remember them and recall how i felt in those dreams, like my brain's own little life and ive taken a picture.

what i also notice is that reading back on some of the things that took centre stage in my life at the time hardly even brings back much memories today. so i guess it would not be foolish of me to seize the day because i wont remember it tomorrow anyway. carpe diem the shit out of everything. but im a coward so id rather not confront my inner emotions.

i was also so much less cynical. i read back on some things and now i just think 'wow bitch.' but back then, apparently i felt id just 'caught her on a bad day' or 'somethings really bothering her :('. now its just lets not waste each other's time. if i live to be 50 ill probably be one of those people waving their canes at generation B or whatever.
i also cannot believe i spent 2 pages talking about boysenberry pancakes. and i used to bring tissue boxes into cinemas in case i cried. sooo dramatic wth just get a tissue pack.

im also glad i jotted down the moments that made me laugh.

i also wrote down about my 19th birthday. i hardly remembered that day casue i had a massive D+ but reading about it has me laughing my nuts off. i went shopping that day to try and find something to wear for the dinner that night and everything i wore just felt so wrong until i broke down crying in the dressing room at forever new. it was horrible that day but omg who the hell does that? i spent like ages in the room waiting for my eyes to stop being red. the shop girls mustve thought i was racking something. I concluded the post with 'looking for something I cannot find. Oh what a horrible day.'

LOOL i just read another post. apparently i had a dream where i tried to suicide with 8 aspirin tablets but then at the last second, my friend stopped me and said his brother needed to take half a tablet for his pain. so i folded a clown out of crepe paper (is that possible) and said 'here give that to your brother!' and then i tried to suicide with another drug but then i woke up.

and apparently i was crying at uni and a random guy sat me down and helped me staple my homework. wth why dont i remember this?!

i swear my diary is a bigger joke than the government.

i am seriously annoyed at how temperamental my phone's service has been. why pay 70 bucks for credit i cant even access anyway? urgh!!! would you pay for a jacket if its sleeves sometimes randomly fall off? i could be out stranded in the desert and have more luck sending out a signal with a rock. so upset!! like can something positive happen in my life please!!
anyway ive bought this bookt hat is supposed to change my life for the better. 'Full of life and energy.' 'Could a story save your life?' it slathers on its cover. its probably some sick joke to make the reader cry into a pit of despair. i kid you not. the pages are BLACK and it looks like those kind of books where people just DIE. its called Our Tragic Universe (if you can manage to find the title in the mess of a cover) and i was under the illusion that its a delightful story. now it just looks emo and theres a black wolf with yellow beady eyes on the cover thats creeping hte crap out of me.

my text still hasnt sent by the way. its become a battle between me and optus to get that one message through. i feel like ic ant give up otherwise its shitty optus' victory. YOU CANT TAKE WHAT IS MIIIINEEE *warcry i wish i was someone really rich and important and famous so that i can bash the shit out of it and have my words be heard. i would change service but i dont think there's a better one...which is actually really sad.
my phone's been a bit fucked too. i got really pissed off the other day so i beat it around a bit (my iphone never complained) and now sometimes its sensitivity gets so messed up and the home screens just spin all over the place until i restart it. its actually the worst urgh.

to add to that, my nectarine has gone really soft. CAN THE WORLD GIVE ME A NORMAL NECTARINE? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?  I JUST WANT TO ENJOY THE FRUIT OF NATURE :(

The note2

Hi blog.
What I love about the note is how easy it is to draw. While an a3 paper would have taken me 3 hours to draw a tree, this only took 10(minutes). Everything is so downsized yet so BIG at the same time. Ill say it one more time...ITS ADORABLE. I also tried drawing katniss everdeen but it turned out to be more katshit than anything.
What I hate though is how theres no autocorrect so while im not making awkward word changes, all my texts dont nake any sense. (The amount of backspacing im having to do right now is atrocious)
I also hate how weak the battery is. Im charging my phone Every Night after very moderate use. Which is a shame because I keep thinking about all the radiation thats pouring out at lightning speed. Which probably isnt how it works. Feel free to tell me im not sucking up samsung poison.

Regardless, I am quite enamoured. Best phone ive ever had. (As you can probably tell cause ive goddamn blogged about it)

Nail Polish

I find the fastest remedy for sadness is to paint your nails. Cause it's slathering something over yourself and so you're kind of a whole new person...very very kind of. Like a before and after.
And they look pretty!
I've painted one hand English Rose which is a really nice antique pink. And because I don't remember the last time I attempted to, I've painted my other hand too with Cafè Olè.
I'm using the Essence brand which is a really cheap brand BUT beautiful, petite bottle. It's actually pretty nice. I love the brush cause its shorter and wider so you get nice coverage and it's easier to control. It also dries sooo quickly. Took like two minutes. I hope it doesn't upset me by chipping at the slightest aggravation though.

purple

reminiscing about the times when i tried to catch the falling leaves with my friends. and then we threw her shoe up the tree. 

i miss happiness born from such a simple moment. 

now i just expect and want so f*ucking much. its worse cause its not expectations within myself, but my environment. which is hardly controllable unless i go hulk manipulation and sulk. 

i just feel like going into a garden (backyard) and planting a tree. an apple tree. cusae then i can eat apples. we actually had an apple tree. but then my dad cut it down cause it was so ugly. and cast it aside to rot with its fellow leafmates. i could also do with a berry tree. because come on, berries! best flavour ever. i reckon anything thats edible and purple should be tried and tested. food+drink that colour always tastes good. apart from ribena, but ive yet to try it diluted. some examples include:

the purple Sugar (brand) lollies

Mother in Frosty Berry

the purple ones in lifesavers 

the purple ones in mentos

purple jols

purple warheads

purple jelly

taro cake

the grape flavoured starburst jellybeans!

the berry flavoured skittles

my friend is convinced im obsessed with eating the colour purple. but i think i just really like the berry flavour. i bet those all contain the same ingredients but whurrrtevarrrr. i will marry it to my mouth like no tomorrow.

it probably has some placebo effect on my brain, but they all taste absolutely divine! god forbid a purple alcoholic berverage makes its way into my life. 

i hvae eyed the purple MSContin tablet though. jks! im not suicidal. but hands down the most rewarding tablet to look at. 

i WOULD eat grey food, but i dont think that would be a wise choice.

i love her hair colour

Hey blog. Sick of me yet? Well feel for me, I live with myself everyday.
I dyed my hair today, like finally. It was my first time so excuse me for wanting to make public the deflowering of my virgin hair. It was actually a disaster haha. My cousin dyed hair a gazillion times before so she did it for me. As I was working the lab (kitchen) pouring and mixing the dye and peroxide she told me it was nowhere near enough. So I poured more bleach to amp up the volume. Turns out it doesn't work that way. So halfway through we decided to open up a commercial carton (the ones you get in supermarkets and pharmacies lmao) and just made a mess on my head. So while the top of my head is brown, the rest is wtf-you-call-this-brown? The difference between 6% and 9% peroxide. Im currently just lying here surrounded by stinky hair that's kept Bonnie away from me all day.
My hair surprisingly does not feel like hay, it also hasn't fallen off and I'm basically alive. My clothes not so much tho. Who knew dye turned black on cloth? Makes damage more evident I guess. Rubbing into your face that you've got no aim.

I also finally finished reading this book I bought the other day. I don't remember what it's called but it was autographed. The book was goddamn witty but my ass had more charm. So don't read it.

I was also whining to my friend who has finished his internship for pharmacy basically asking how you can survive this every single day. The answer I got made enough sense. That yes you can want to be in a job that is perfectly aligned with your passions and dreams, but realistically speaking, if that happened with all of us, te world would be a different place. Passion isn't enough, you need skill. It is after all, a paid job. Settle with what you're capable of. Sounds a bit deflating, but I was never a big dreamer anyway. It's exhausting!

Holidays are also ending. Cram the books to be read and friends to be had!!