the company of strangers

hey, im really drained from work. i can only imagine what internship will be like.
i read something that popped up on my newsfeed just now.
It is about a girl called kim pham who photobombed a group and ended up getting bashed for it. Her parents only recently made the hard decision to turn off her life support. my heart goes out to them. whenever i read these random stories of people passing away due to the forceful actions of others, it gets me fking depressed. to die due to the stupidity and poor education of others.. whats really sad about this particular case, aside from the fact that it was over such a small incident, is that there were lots of bystanders. and all they did was film the whole event. they filmed a girl dying. im not expecting them to go up and fight the gang by their lonesome, but would a call to the cops or ambulance hurt?
so yeah.
this isnt an isolated incident either. a customer got attacked today by a homeless man she donated to, and his cig burnt her cheek. no one helped her, but she got a small audience watching. ready to hashtag.
we are taking life for granted, unless it is our own or the life of someone we know. we are quick to 'RIP' and mourn the dead but slow to help the living. im not saying we should be thankful for life everyday and shit -aint nobody got time for that, but preserve the life of others and ourselves.
im just really sick of people. my dad helped a woman at a road accident and even that backfires and he ends up copping threats from her insurance.
over 200 elderly passed away in victoria with the heatwave recently. that is very very very sad too.

tbh ive been feeling like something is fundamentally fucked up in me for about a month now. some faultline running across my pudgy brain. i srsly thought there was, but i dont think there is. its just a massive mindfuck when ppl keep telling you youve changed as if its a bad thing, talking AT you, criticising you, patronising you. one line that keeps coming back at me is 'you are completely different to who you were this time last year'.
i shouldnt have to defend change, or justify it. people talk at me and preach as if i am wrong for behaving differently to how they would have. so what if i do something wrong, im not perfect. i dont even see that ive done anything wrong. from my perspective, ive done what i wanted to do.
we all have this image of what is ideal in our heads, but there is no 'right' way to live. there is no correct way to behave, a perfect combination of actions to reach a satisfying point in life. we all fumble and experience life differently and i respect that with the people i care about. sure, i may not condone what you do, but that does not mean i am not here to empathise and listen to you.
i dont need a solution when i have a problem, i think i am able to reach a resolution eventually, i just need understanding.
listen nonjudgementally. haha mental first aid 101. maybe ppl should apply that to the mentally healthy too.
like i am so done giving a fuck about myself. just say what i want to say and see how that goes.

URINE

my new years resolution was to drink 1.2L per day and buy mah bag. but the bag can wait, i can stress cc swipe it if by the 31st dec i sitll dont own it. but i will. i. will.
the 1.2L thing is kinda killing it. as if i didnt pee frequently enough already. im peeing all day everyday. haha! if this is what healthy feels like ill take a raincheck.
but peeing isnt so bad. this blog is not meant to be about peeing.
keeping count of how much water actually influences my other decisions. i shy away from coffee/tea because theyre diuretics. i wouldnt know how much water that would technically make me lose so i dont know how much extra to drink to compensate so i just dont drink it in general. hasssshtag ocd. alcohol makes you pee a tonne too, so au revoir. a girl can try.
it actually makes a difference tho. my lips arent so chapped anymore. i can tell becuase when i swipe my lip balm across, the application is smooth. like babies' ass. why is baby ass meant to be smoother than the rest of their body anyway? is it the urea from all the urine they keep cosy between those cheeks? can smooth ass factor be used to indicate infrequent nappy changes and therefore bad parenting? haha my kid would have the smoothest ass in the world. itll overflow to smooth back too. ew.