:(

i read the ending to "welcome to the underworld" today, a few hours ago. andddd yet again, a hot hotttt character was killed off. TT_TT like wth.
And it made me really sad, not just becuase he died, but becuase the author potrayed really well how life is a pointless fuck. You're there one moment, with all the traits that make you a unique person, and the next you're gone, a nobody, as useless as the next dead corpse. Which essentially makes life pointless true? so im basically just living for nothing. cause i cant escape death anyways. but im not really scared of dying. if there's a really nice and pretty after life i want to die early. before 30. so i dont end up stuck inside an old body for eternity. maybe thats why theres dead babies and children and stuff. to balance out the after life. bahahaha. im not a loony. just. really. scared. of. getting. old. it freakss me out. i dotn know how ill deal with life if i get to teh age of 30.
im scared of people around me dying though. i die a little inside when my parents get a year older. cause that means theyre getting older. thank god i distanced myself from my grandma when she was dying.

and god that came out wrong.

i just dont want anything to happen to my family, friends, my chickens. but my chickens keep dying. maybe ill see them in the after life haha. they need steel balls to handle the melbourne weather. yesterday, edward ran away from homeee. our neighbour came to tell us one of our chickens was running around on the road. waht a stupid chicken. my mum bought it inside so i could play with it. it was soo cute, clucking. i really hope it doesnt die.

i think i need to go to a church. become a nun jk jk. i just havent prayed in a long timee. the last time i prayed, i swear to god, that god came to me. i was in year 5, i used to pray every single day before going to bed, and i always ended sleeping before i could finish my prayer but anyways it was after school and my mum was at doctors so i had to wait a little longer. and pussy mini-me got scared cause mansfield street is like..full of nuts -myself included haha jks. and then randomly, i felt as if god was there with me, or someone supernatural. i bet it was god. cause then i felt so much better and i didnt feel alone anymore. and then i think i got scared that someone was there in my head cause i stopped praying since.

maybe i need to start again casue i feel so lonely. theres no one to talk to. well there is, but i dont know what to say anymore. i cant even sustain a conversation. i dont even knowww what im feeling. just lonely, its been weeks, i blow it off but aish, i just really feel it now.

maybe its just year twelve. god i really hate myself this year. ive been the laziest flying shit ever. at the start of the year- back when i had a hot chemistry tutor RAWWWWWR, he said i shouldnt care about sacs. when theers a sac, just study for exams instead. cause if i do well my marks will go up anyway. just get consistently average grades. and so ive been getting B+ but now, i wonder why i ate his words up. god just cause he looks good. but ive totally screwed up now. i wish i was addicted to school. like my sister <_<. who can say "AN A? WHATT omg im dropping this subject then. AN A?". im going to be a big disappointment to my whole family tree, but ill leave it to my sister to patch it up. ill stick with the title as twilight freak.

which reminds me, ive cancelled eclipse day. no one wants to go and i feel like im pressuring them to go even though im not doing anything.. i got pissed. for nothing. now i feel like shit. cant help it if im so sensitive with twilight righttt?

and i want to either die REALLY peacefully, or REALLLY dramatically. one or the other. i either get poisoned and die in my sleep, orrrr i get shot, stabbed, bombed (im not loony) so that the last feeling im feeling before i die is pain. god that sounded so sadistic. i just want to feel really human in my last seconds. and whats more human then pain? acutally i dont want to get stabbed. thats jst scary. i dont want a death that will have me piss in my pants. and i dont want my blood to go everywhere. too messy. bahah imagine my gravestone : UYEN PHUONG HUA, Lord bless her she was bombed to death.
BHAHAHHAHAHAHA LOOOOOOL. its amusing. but then theres be nothing of my to bury :/ cuase id be in bits. and bonesss will get called to the scene. :D but then id be all over the place. ew. maybe if i get thrown off a cliff. but i dont want to drown. :S i hate drowning. it makes my nose feel funny. maybe shot then. but this is just if i die. not saying i want to die. just if i had to. i dont want to get cancer or old or anything. thats too scaryy. lying in hosiptal connected to thousands of needles shoving shit in your system. kyahhhh i have to get a blood test soon. im scared shitless. itll probably be what if feels like to have a vampire eating you. itd be so good to be a vamp, eternal youth. then ill turn everyoen around me too then eveyrone can stay as they are. omg imagine a really old person got turned. theyd be old foreverrr. god that would kill.

and god ive been writing for an hour. i should have written this in my personal diary instead but who gives a fuck. The underlying message is that a hot guy died and i hate myself.
but hey, im just gonna knock it all off as PMS. yeah baby~~~

ps. im sorry for using god's name so much. i jstu realised haha. ill be back to delete this post sometime laterr when i can be fked. god i should stop talking to myself ==