for my eyes or for yours?

working on a paper atm and i wrote myself into a confusing mess so here i am, writing about much simpler things such as nothing :)

when i logged onto here before, i explored the new layout a bit and took a look at the stats. they put me into a state of panic!
my blog is public, im well aware of that, i never felt the need to make it private because quite frankly, i dont think i have anything to hide. but its quite scary. people, who i know nad dont know, have access to my ramblings, and i find myself asking 'what do i want people to see when they look at me?'
what if someone i dont know read my blog and then they meet me later on in life and they know more about me then i do about them LOL
but yeah, i found myself going omgomgogmg scary. what if my boss stumbled across this (for whatever reason), or my lecturer, or someone who hates me, or family, or someone from all the way across the world?  what do i want them to see?
what i write here isnt hardcore government conspiracies, 'i hate life', 'i hate this person' and its nothing secret or special to me, but its a lot of 'i think this', 'i think that', 'this is the shit i talk about to kill time' sort of thing. i dont really filter what i want to say here, and like, im not saying any controversial shit or anything, but its what i feel ._. its me.
and i dunno what im saying LOL like isnt it kind of intimidating that someone can have access to a sanction you use to channel whatever you feel.
its like someone is reading your diary. its personal to you.
this blog is personal to me. and the persona i give off from it isnt particularly favourable. i read back what i wrote each year and cringe. and ill probably cringe in 2013 when i read my 2012 posts. but like, what i write is what i write. my audience is myself, my author is myself, what comes out of here, is myself. and as mundane as my blog is, its a genuine part of me. and its open to the public. i think thats why im quite frightened. you put yourself in a vulnerable position when you expose your carefree thoughts and untamed writing to the public. what deviates you from everyone else can be what people use to bite you in the butt and it will definitely be what people use to stick a judgement on you.

and i dont know where im going with this. i think im trying to say that, ...i dunno. im not really worried about what i write, i dont really go deep and delve into the origins of life or whatevs simply because i dont spend my time thinking about things like that, but im wary of the tone i give off. im feeling oddly cautious about how i sound, i dont want to sound stupid, ignorant or arrogant. whats scary is how what people interpret from my blog is out of my control. what if i said ' i feel like ice cream' because i felt like ice cream and then someone else who feels like..hot pot reads it and goes 'omg, douse that bitch with fire, please'. LOL THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE :(
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, NONCONFORMITY IS FROWNED UPON. IF YOU SAY SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY (extraordinary? :P) THERE WILL BE PEOPLE, WHO WILLLL DOUSE YOU WITH FIRE. figuratively. i dont know why i put that in caps. THAT SENTENCE WAS NOT STICKING TO THE NORM. neither was that one.
but if i feel like ice cream, you damn bet i will keep feeling like ice cream bitch. shove that hot pot up your ass.
now that i think about it, i think my blog is quite dear to me. its great, because when i write, im not writing for anything or anyone. im just writing because i want to. and i can write about anything i want :)

...so prepare for UYEN UNLEASHED.
joking. i dont even know what that would entail.  x