listening to mellow music and wondering what im doing with my life.
the truth is i dont think i want pharmacy anymore. i dont think i want anything in my life anymore. i no longer want to help. im just feeling so dispassionate about everything. fire me. expel me. disown me. happy uyen and current uyen are on two very different paths.
i always feel that everything i say is always too much. theres always that voice at the back of my mind going 'shut up, dont be an overkill'. there is only a certain degree with which i can be uncaring about how those i care for perceive me. sure, you can be yourself all you want. preach it. but as comfortable as that makes you, it does not necessarily make people treat you the way you want. sometimes you DO have to balance out who you are with who you need to be. it is not enough to do what makes you happy. you are, after all, not the only human being on this planet. you need to give, and please your environment. and its not even that hard, i just need to not be selfish. i want a soul mate who understands these random yearnings i have to be heard. to hear me and to know that no im not being stupid. im actually dead serious. and when i make a joke, it (for lack of preference in gender) will take it to the next level and take our conversations to places ive never been. to make a big deal out of my tears because no, you can never be too emotional and to speak their mind because no, i am not a mind reader and yes, i may jump to conclusions. and it would be my brideit at my wedding. and take precedence over my groom. and it can tell when im sad, and i can tell when it is sad. and we won't sweep it under the rug, but we wont hash out a life story from it either. itll kind of be like a nudge are you ok? and thats it.

i actually feel like being a chef. which may or may not be influenced by mkr. one of the girls on mkr cried while she was talking about dessert. she was just so in her own world, admiring food and loving that she is a professional cake maker. and it was like...i want to be like that. to envelope what i am passionate about around me. i am not passionate about food...and tbh, nothing much atm. except maybe that prada bag that i WILL own.
or maybe a fashion stylist. how fun would it be to get paid to do what pleases the eye. but im not adventurous when it comes to fashion.
id love to be an artist too. i remember my primary school teacher, ms matisi, telling me i have a skill with the paintbrush. she loved my painting. and told me off for being a shithead and ruining the painting when i attempted to add clouds to please her. she didnt call me a shithead, but she was pretty angry. she told me to paint a new one and unleash my talent. so i ended up painting a blue ocean (so a page of blue) with a small yacht. lets just say she stopped pursuing from there on.
theres actually this really beautiful painting at my house that i reckon would be worth a LOT. A. LOT. no joke. its got amazing brush work, and you can tell the artist used special paints for added shine on reflections, the sky and some rocks. its amazing. and a landscape that looks that great must be done by a deft hand. i remember learning that theyre always hardbecause the artist has to be quick to capture the sky and hues on different surfaces before the sun changes position. unless the prick took a photo. when i feel strong, ill take the painting down, remove the frame and try and find a signature. we used to have like 6 paintings, but they mysteriously disappeared.
an author would also be exquisite. but no. my brain cannot handle ramming out story after story.maybe when im older and have more feelings and experiences. ill start when i can get through a deep and meaningful book.

i think theyre pretty cool professions. the profits you reap aren't monetary, but you end up with a masterpiece. and yes, they require a lot of work, but you create beauty. you enlighten the world with beautiful creations. and you are free to do what you wish as you wish. freedom of expression, poetry in motion, all that jazz. its beauty all around you, and passion is your driver. you can nourish your soul and you can make your visions tangible! what more could you want but to leave your mark on earth via beauty. its timeless and its worth every second of your time. i want that.
but i was never good at cooking class.
i got a goddamn B for art class.
textiles i was no good in terms of design.
viscom was too into geometry ew
english...i hate structured writing
and im into my 3rd year of a medical sciences degree.
i havent made a mistake. i just havent considered a plethora of options. but im not sure im ready to live a poor and umemployed life either LOL.