i want change

Hi blog.
I'm feeling quite ...I dunno today.
3 main things running through my mind

1. A number of people are leaving my course this year. We're a small cohort so one departure becomes very obvious. So five departures become really ...obvious too lol. And the sadness of knowing you'll never bother uttering another word to these people again is kind of sad. Relationships between acquaintances are so fragile. It's like a thin thread, as delicate as a spider's web, between the two of you, and the slightest of breezes can break that. That's how it feels. But that aside it makes me feel so envious of them. This year, their life is changing, and they've made life changing decisions and they'll be experiencing new things, learning new things and meeting new people. Key word: NEW. They'll be thrown into a whole new world, while for me, nothing changes. :( Am I being too self centered? yes, but see if i care.
i feel like i need to do something out of character. i want to do something so silly that the next time someone i hardly know asks me how i am, its not just 'oh the usual, you?'. instead it'll be 'im moving to amsterdam' or 'im suffering from chronic alcoholism'. maybe not the latter.

in 3 years i will either be a pharmacist or a failed pharmacy intern. And although that looked promising in year 12, right now i feel too familiar with the duties of a pharmacist. It'll be like easing into a used sock. LOL i wish i didn't know how to dispense, i wish i didnt know what community pharmacy involves, i wish i didn't know the duty of a pharmacist, i wish my job had more mystery. i wish pharmacy was like a wrapped gift, and after 4 years you can finally open it and be like HOLY SHIT I DIDNT EXPECT THAT i wish it could surprise me at every corner. although that's probably a bad thing for that profession (picturing a customer vomiting all over the floor than fainting).
right now i really HATE how my life is so decided. everything about me is a fact. there's no room for change or second guesses. every feeling and opinion i have is a fact in my reality. and because theyre all facts, there's no room for me to feel anything else other than what i feel. like, i know what kind of life i will have and the things i will own and the people i would love because i wont have it any other way.
and now i cant change my mind anymore !! itll be throwing away 2 years of tertiary education. so ..16k? but even then, i know i want pharmacy. im shit at art and i do want to know all about drugs, but i wish it didnt come so early. you know what actually, i wish pharmacy didnt barrack for you to gain heaps of experience so that by the time you graduate, your transition would be seamless. where's the fun in that?

if i were to have applied for a different course, i would have gone either forensics/law or criminology/forensics. just give me a ...double square (4 edges..4. no?) degree of forensics/law/criminology/psychology. I would have applied for that but then i would have rejected it because you only need an ATAR of like 50 to enter (sorry bleurgh) and id only be in it for curiosity around the subject. as if i can saw my way through a dead body. i was telling my friend today that i kind of liked having a dream that you wont ever achieve. because that leaves something there always for you to chase should you ever need a goal. and i think its kind of romantic, the notion of never being able to achieve it becuase your dream will always be there and it wont change. i could study anthropology and find it to be the most draining thing ever, but im not gonna know that becuase im not touching it. so the image of my dream is never tarnished.
i think im just thinking that to comfort myself. i applied that logic based on what i feel about male attraction LOL. like..some retarded part of me wants to never get into a relationship with anyone interested in you. so then they can never lose the attraction towards you. is that weird? like for example. you meet a guy at a bar. he goes 'hey! youre interesting, can i have your number?' you go 'sure its 0431 343 ***' and you hit off. then when he goes for the 'lets have dinner' you stop talking to him. so you never end up being anything, and you never end up breaking anything. so the image he has of you is never ruined. you will not stop being interesting to him becuase there was no chance for you to disprove it. unless he was actually serious and now thinks youre a bitch. even then, at least an interesting bitch.

mm tangents.

i finished reading Something Borrowed today and that made me feel very nostalgic of times when i was younger. As a child i always looked forward to when id be 25. 25 for me was The Age. i imagined being all dressed up, answering a lot of phone calls and having a big diary to write things in. i didnt realise till i was older that i was envisioning a secretary lol. i pictured id be married at this age and he'd be wearing a prince outfit. he'd have all this money for me to spend and I'd be busy, busy lol. maybe we'll even have a family. and my wedding dress had puffed sleeves (ewww!) like snow white even though i hate her. i drew it so many times i can probably still draw it now lol.
i think this is why ive been reading so much chick-lit. reading about the life of a 20-something year old really bought me back to that stage in my childhood where i was excited for the future. living the adult life! where has that feeling gone???? i feel like i know it now anyway. ill be 25, working as a pharmacist (granted i succeed) with no lunch breaks. i wont be dressed up, i wont have a giant book, and i will probably dread phone calls. I won't be married because i dont want to be. and i wont hvae children because i cant stand them. I'll also be at the doctors asking for a check up on my lungs LOL.

bottom line is i probbaly hate how there's too much security in my life. there's no question marks anywhere. nothing in my future for me to think about. nothing to look forward too. and i dont even hate pharmacy. i guess i just dont like how pharmacy has all its subjects set already and a job area set too. having said all that, i bet pharmacy is a whole new world but becuase im 19 and young, i think i already know everything there is to know about life when i actually dont. i usually a resister to change, but i want it now. i should be proactive about this, and do something outrageous. like...burn twilight (lol im joking). maybe ill settle for changing into a new set of PJs instead. kiddding!

i need to stop reading and face my reality. these books only make me more and more sad about myself LOL which is quite pathetic i tell you. i really need a change in scenery. or maybe meet someone new. i want a SHINY NEW TOY.

and ive forgotten what the two other points i was gonna raise were.